Simphobia

Perhaps I'm being inspired to just write freely because of a co-blogger who has also just done so. To be honest, it's something I've very much missed in my own writing. The capacity to simply write freely, without being reticent. Reticence has somehow continually crept in and made itself a home in my writing, and I guess those who are my writers would perhaps perceive this in their own ways, noting how I tend to write quite ambiguously.

Now after all the months and years, I'm not entirely certain I can dissect the way I write: ambiguity and reticence seem so entwined together they are almost one, and both are entirely part of who I am, at least the who I am that is me, the writer.

See what I mean? I'm not able to just write "simply", I suppose, as someone once complained.  And this may come as a surprise to a few of you: my writing self and my conversational self are two different people. I'm very outgoing and plain-spoken when I speak in person. I'm not spouting profound soundbites or big words. I, in fact, find it difficult to convert complex thoughts into spoken word; perhaps it is that additional inconvenience of having to send extra neurosensory commands to the areas of my brain that are responsible for the physical movement of my mouth. That capacity isn't as agile as my that of simply converting thoughts to written words, through my fingers. Maybe I should practice.

And this reminds me of another thing I lack in practice: speaking hindi. I've often told most people that I sound so horribly 'gora' when I try, that I don't try. It's embarrassingly faux pas, in a way. But I am not really able to speak it aloud, because I don't really have much practice, and I don't practice simply because I sound so gauche. Another Catch-22 of sorts.

The odd thing is I am again more confident with reading and writing the language - even the script - as long as it stays in my head. And then again, I'm able to sing hindi songs and apparently sound like I'm well spoken in the language, but then again that may be because I do have practice singing Hindi (from a very young age) versus simply speaking it.

And seeing as I'm on the theme of ironies in life, this one also just occurred to me. After years of urging a certain friend to stop eating take-out food all the time, and try to make something at home, I realized how things have changed when I'm now urging them to take a break from cooking everyday and order something from outside.

There is definitely something truly profound I could unearth from all these observations -- it's tingling back in the recess of my mind and waiting for me to come open that door and explore, but for some reason, I'm not going to. Put it down to mental lethargy perhaps, ..but it's not even just that. I don't know, but there you have it.

Courage

Be bold; be brave. This has always and forever been you. Nobody can change this.. not even you. Now today is your day, the day of deliverance where you go into enemy territory and be the bravest man you can be. Life or death can't stop what is about to happen. Someway, some form of the truth will seep out. Fear will be there but those that really love you will also nurture you and build you back up in your time of retreat. Going to a far off place to discover new and exciting things is just your beginning. You can say it's your destiny. What possesses a man to just up and leave the environment he has always known? You are conquering your life - don't let anything stop you.

=]

For our dearest IQ, From the Omega Orphans =]

This one's all for you =] You sweet, sweet Insaan!!!! Please don't kill me *runs and hides behind Guru ji* =]

:D

For the Omega Orphans, from IS =]

*Gruffs*

:ehm

Testing 1 2 3

Hello all ::ninja.. I am IQ's assistant, so just wanted you guys to know she's fast asleep at the moment and if you're missing her, she will be around after 3-4 hours.

Thank you :$

May 17

Good morning world!

It just occurred to me that it is not the case wherever most of you are reading this. It will most likely be the afternoon, evening or even the eerie hours of the night, wherever and whenever you all choose to read this. No problemo, it is MY blog afterall and I'm writing this down for my own record of my experiences so you all are going to share my lovely morning with me. 

By now you're probably well acquainted with the waxing and waning of emotion that go along with my day to day personal narratives. Sometimes so full of exuberance, and sometimes so bereft of it. I have freaked out friends who, familiar with my optimistic side, are faced with a cynical side they've never encountered.

Well there is absolutely NO room for any negativity today because it is my my favourite number and favourite month. And it is beautiful outside.

Strangely, when I was down in the dumpster of emotion, it occurred to me how when we're sad we want to mope with the saddest songs and sulk with the worst glummest weather. And yet, strange enough for me, who the weather matches emotionally step for step, it was beautiful outside. And I couldn't see it. Nothing could persuade me that it was a beautiful day. Perhaps if I had stepped out and gone out in the sunshine and experienced the magic of the day, perhaps I might have been persuaded. But I refused to entertain any chance that I could see the beauty of the day. I was so embroiled in my own turmoil to see beyond the limits imposed  by emotion.

Almost every instance when we're overcome by some sort of grief is produced by a change within ourselves. We must transition ourselves from one mindset to another and it is this transition that jarrs our very souls to the point of uncertainty. For, we are strong when we are certain, and we are weak when we are not. Doubt is that element that eats away and erodes at whatever the essence is to the core. Sometimes it is misplaced and sometimes it is not, and it is the very nature of doubt itself that you cannot be sure when it is.

We want to believe. We want to believe so much in our own faith that we know that to do so, it will take everything out of ourselves and to do so is to take the plunge into a neverending abyss wherein you cannot tell where you began and where it ends. Our fear of not knowing is what pulls us back, and our experiences of having taken the jump and ended up broken which feeds hesitation. 

We fall for a reason, we doubt for a reason, for in that moment when we most fear to lose something, we know just what it is we want and how much we want it. Sometimes we fear that we will lose faith, and it is faith itself that pulls us back up from our grief.

I like to think that I make myself stronger. But I'm more so glad that I don't have to do it alone. Today is my beautiful day, and I hope that if you have days when yours isn't, that mine today may brighten yours.

Strength

2.30 and I am finally having my lunch. It seems like one of those weeks, busy with new projects and meetings and interviews. In case you're curious, my lunch consists of rice, masala channa, malai kofta and karhi pakora. Sounds like a lot, but is half of the entire serving.

I am a bit tired, I think it's that bit of worry that's inevitable with the way things are. But things will be good.

Healing does not happen right away. It takes time, and most importantly patience and determination. You must believe that what you want to be whole again will be whole again, and you must nourish the soul that needs healing. Imagine your love and need for that person to be the healing balm that you must continually apply. Imagine positivity as the IV line that cannot stop at any cost. Send forth your strength from your heart and let it enwrap that soul as a blanket. Most importantly, remember the reasons why this is important, the memories which make you smile.