Saturday, May 13, 2006

Ek Sapna

I've dreamt so many dreams, .. in this life. Yet there was only one, that I held closest to my heart. The years that went by, from the very birth of that dream into my mind.. only added and enriched that dream.. It was a dream of a beautiful life, a dream of feeling complete.. a dream of forever and eternal love.
It took a moment, for the match to ignite.  When the dream started appearing to become reality.. that's when the flame really started to glow.
A dream come true, or so it seemed. Once that dream took hold, all other dreams were so insignificant in comparison. It was the only one I wanted. The only I needed. The only one that filled every day of life with hope, happiness, love.
When did the storm come, out of nowhere, trying to extinguish that flame? In the quickest of moments again, the winds gusted, making that light flicker. Shadows cast upon every sunshine that ever existed. And just as the torrents of rain hammered down upon the dream, so came the tears, as never before.
For every happiness lived in that fleeting dream, the pain overwhelms so much, having it taken away. The days when I believed, for every dream that remains only dreams, there still lies hope and beauty have long gone past.
Hope, it was that which made me see so many more dreams beyond this one dream. Hope, its what I only have to cling on to today. Hope, it is that which I have so little of, this one dream, my life, being stolen away.
It has me wondering why do we dream? Me, the girl lost in dreams so much of her life, the one who dreamt and for whom dreams were her source of nourishment. Why dream? .. It all feels so illusional today. With that one dream, I believed I could do anything, accomplish anything, just for the sake of keeping that dream mine. Today, it slips away from my hands, with me asking "why?".. and I feel there can be no tomorrow without it.
Hearts break, dreams break. And yet, love never dies. As much as the storms attempt to extinguish my light, the love will never let it die. Where there is "forever", it will be found in my love. With or without that dream, even through the tears, it will be the one thing in this life which I can call true.
It is only that one dream for which I wish to live. But it is beyond this life, and beyond fulfillment of that dream itself, to which I will love, love true, and love forever.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Khamoshi | Silence

It betokens its keeper with unimaginable power.  Yet again, it is  that which locks you into a glass box.
In one's own world, its a battle of whether to keep it or to break it. Silence is in some notion, a tool which surmounts to much wisdom. You listen, you hear, others pour their worlds to you. And though you find someone to perhaps share something or the other, there exist worlds within which you never share. You take your own experiences, and try to be there for others, who claim the world is against them, that life is nothing but closed doors of happiness, little knowing how insignificant their troubles appear, with those secrets that lie behind that silence.
In many aspects, it is dishonesty. Perhaps it is that silence which only keeps back its keeper from truly feeling free. The weight of what you keep locked, acts as a wall between you and those you try to get closer to. When questions are raised that come close to that which was so long protected in silence, shamefully, quiet lies come up to the front to keep that guard.
A life filled with grey sorrows, years of  battling depression alone, those nights so alone, cuddled up thinking finally you wont wake up again, only to have that too being cheated of you,  tears that have drowned oneself internally day after day..  that inner yearning to one day find a person to let it all free, remove that box of anguish and burn it forever.. seems that one hope that keeps you actually waking day after day.
And the world knows nothing of it. To them, they see the lie that is the smile. The strong sunny front you mask the grey with. When you extend the smiles, comforting with the fact of forever hope, it seems they only want to hold onto their own bubble of sorrow. It pierces the deepest parts of yourself, when you know that there is so much more a world of sorrow and strife, some which you alone know of, that they cannot see because of the blinding darkness they wish to remain in. For them its a world crumbling around them, with no hopes seen on the horizon. Apparently, the little they do know of you, is enough to place you in the category of being someone who is strong enough to move on, little knowing just how slowly in the process, day by day,  that silence of secrets is really killing you.
It comes to a realization, there really isnt anyone out there to open and cure the wounds but yourself. Because it's your own fault, for keeping in those years of misery to oneself, and never letting another soul try to ease them out. Internal battles arise. Breaking silences only seem to burden others, to weigh them down with things they would not be able to even start to understand. To retain the mystery, it only suffocates yourself, but isn't that so much better than taking others down as well?
Perhaps, the depression can't ever be removed, and it's just that indication that the silence will always be your own. If you cannot even open up to those you say you love, but create small lies to retain the happy front, perhaps you deserve mostly to live with your own truth, and live with it alone.
The world keeps going, life seemingly keeps going. But you come to a crossroads when it all comes back, every part of your road comes meeting up again, and it is as if trains come colliding at full speed. You're sinking again, the depression hits once again.. and this time it seems there really is no light at the end of this tunnel. The battles, inside and out, have been fought. And emotionally, physically, mentally, you're exhausted. You can't live for yourself, never mind others. Once you thought it was enough to just devote all your energy in ensuring the happiness of those you loved. But when that energy has totally reached beyond depletion point? All the years of negativity within, the bitterness, the depression, the tears, it starts to seep out, and before it reaches others, perhaps its time to just wipe it out completely, and entirely. To let the depths of sleep take over, and those final dreams wrap around you as a blanket, as you sleep as you've never slept before, enshrouded with perfect silence.