Monday, January 20, 2014

Luxury

Emotional isolation is usually conducive to the optimization of creativity. Experience, at least, indicates this is so. I have always found a natural rapport with my creativity through the inevitable sense of loneliness that has always accompanied me wherever I went. Wherever I go. Even in the closest intimacies of friendship and love, in companionship with those closest to heart, it accompanies me. Perhaps this might be concerning, and definitely would be to one more practically and logically inclined, but to my own mind - inexplicably emotional and sensitive - this is only natural.

Duality has always existed; black, white, dark, light, good, bad. It exists as existence itself. To be, therefore somehow only balances this immeasurable sense of loneliness. Maybe, therefore, it exists for each and everyone  of us, but as each individual is as unique as its DNA, our own capacity to recognize it varies on millions upon millions of frequencies.

I have always seemed to find a mutual and comfortable rapport with those similar in emotional-frequency to myself - which after having been said, seems already an obvious observation. But I do: I feel at home with those who also recognize and bear witness to their solitary dependency on feeling. I hesitated there to label the sentiment and restrict it to that label; that feeling is melancholy, even sadness, but it is not only that. The poignant place within oneself where words clash with emotions and churn out beautiful masterpieces on one end of its spectrum, or equally nullify themselves into a white noise of a blank canvas of silence.

Labeling to maintain order sometimes makes things more confusing. This post, for example, would naturally be posted in my "Prose" blog at Lucid Iridescence, for all the emotional sentiments shared herein, but for some reason, I am not posting it there. This post was initiated by a intention to explain myself - perhaps once again, and maybe at the risk of becoming a tedious repetitive bore - and my inability to write the way I have been used to. Oh, I know that I don't need to explain a thing, but for some reason I do.

Maybe it is only to myself, afterall that I seek explanation. January has seemed to come in its own stead a whiteness and coldness that has isolated us all within the warm cocoons of our own being. I miss a lot of people, and yet, somehow I do not. Because I accept that we are all in our own places and that this too will pass. But I do miss them. I miss you. If it has been understood, perhaps I feel a need to have it said regardless. Friendship is that which I have always maintained as important, crucial. And when you make some which are deep and resonate beyond normal frequencies of superficiality, sometimes it is often as if we have merged as one and consequently become incomplete without that strong resonance coming down the string of our instrument.

As an empath, I've always felt the being of others very profoundly. It has allowed me to understand and absorb the aura of that person within me, and to learn to be another person through that connection. This is a phenomenon that is almost indefinable because it involves letting go of words and descriptions, because they only form barriers and restrictions, and to open oneself up to actually being. 

Like my prior post which entails the conversion of "ME" to "WE", I have found myself observing a number of abstract ideas all superimposing: in one way, maybe we have all been submerged under the waters of recovery; under water we do not dare open our mouths to speak for we shall drown. Our silences could be our time for 'me'. And yet, it has been noted, we have also been quite much more busier with the practical aspect of life, and consequently had less time to devote to 'me'. Even as I have been loitering around on my own blog, and those of others, I had undergone a phase of not wanting to actually 'talk' - I felt an inexplicable resistance to comment, or respond to comments. In sorting out cause and effect, I am not entirely sure which came first. Was it because I had grown used to being silent because of being too busy 'with life' that I was more reluctant to communicate more? Or was it because of something deeper within, which had triggered a phase of radio silence and only prolonged more through the excuse of being busy?

Another blogger recently wrote a post that put to words another of my thoughts: the disparity in walking in another person's shoes vs. still not being able to be able to see life through their eyes and mind. This blogger is one of the few persons who this entire post is somewhat dedicated to. This blogger has made an effort recently to write more often, and interestingly, though no longer surprisingly, the thoughts which have been expressed have been mirroring my own. Another blogger, impressively, has been writing (obviously) undeterred, and the theme and sentiments which always pour forth from this blogger's mind and heart have always soothed my own because of how easy it is for me to slip into that same melancholic place.

I somehow stumbled on a quote a few days back that said something with regards to melancholy (one of my favourite words), by one of my favourite authors. And I find it again for my reader's sake:

"..Melancholy - that cheapest and most accessible of luxuries . . .” -- Charles Dickens

For, despite it being a torrential affair that could involve a plethora of negative connotations, it is a beautiful luxury. I firmly assert that it is this state wherein some of the most beautiful creations are born. 

Maybe, we are given the opportunity to rail away at what we do not like or want just for the realization what exactly it is that we do like, what we want. If we were always appeased and content, we would not know better. 

I want to be able to write again, and I want to because I know I have done so and done it well in the past. But then I have to remind myself, that most often in the past writing has been my sole companion; it is because of my loneliness that most of my best writing has occurred. Once, in longing for that one soulmate to be able to share and tell everything to, I turned instead to the pen and paper, and put words down to keep my memories intact. Now, I am at a loss for things to write, but again, this is because what I wanted most has happened. Brings to mind that classic warning: be careful what you wish for. Because I got it, I guess...and yet I shouldn't be railing against this fate, because it is the best thing life's given me. 

In duality again, perhaps one passion could be viewed to oppose another, one as a substitution for another. But why, exactly does this have to be that way? It doesn't. That's all.

6 comments:

  1. :D such awesome writing as always :P ..... for whatever reason the month of January has found me completely unwilling to even post a single song - I think it is a combination of factors - for some reason (!) I feel a lot less compelled to express myself through song, the weather in my part of the world has been disgracefully cold leading to a constant sense of exhaustion battling the elements and perhaps most importantly I've been busier in the last 20 days than at any other point of time in many years :D ... but all of this will eventually pass - I will feel motivated to post, the weather will ease and the work will (hopefully) be completed. I'm envisioning a crackling February (Re-reading my current comment I am struck by how elegantly I am able to put these thoughts into words - two years or so ago I would probably find myself unable to achieve anything remotely similar :P)

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    1. :) I've almost entirely become devoid of the urge to share songs also...And - distinct from that first context- I can sort of relate quite a lot to losing the need to express through song...because song was always sort of a beautiful code for the unspoken...and sometimes the unspoken gets communicated through its own ways...:). As for your own elegance in expressing your comment, you, my friend, have had lots of practise through your own blog!

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  2. I keep wanting to comment on this post...but I keep hesitating. As you probably know you spoke probably every word I could have said and even more... writing has become my sole companion... But I wish that becoming closer to myself and all the creativity didn't have to come at the expense of being isolated.

    It confuses me about how I feel...because feeling close to myself is elating, but at the same time saddening knowing why.

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    1. I'm glad you did comment though :) Even I had absolutely not a clue where I was going with this while I was writing it, nor (as usual) had any plan in mind for what I WAS going to write...it just evolved. Also, trying to explain any of this is so bewildering...to say one thing leaves this feeling that a lot more has gotten left behind by not being said.. sigh.

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  3. First time here and I am blown away. If this is what you write when you are not writing as you used to, then how did you use to write?

    The melancholy yet inspiring nature of loneliness is well-worded. I love the way you use words to express your thoughts. It feels as if they are flowing seamlessly.

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    1. Thank youu, Keirthana! See, I'm really not sure what happens when I just THINK and let my fingers go...so this stuff just happens, and I usually just post whatever I've come up with without realizing what really got written...only after people's reactions I go back and look through with their 'eyes' and I end up scratching my head wondering how this all happened so nicely. Haha. So it's also a tribute to my readers for making me realize that what I AM writing, even if I feel it's nothing special, somehow IS worth continuing to write. This goes to all my readers and commenters, but your "first appearance" as a reader/commenter on my blog gets this huge comment back. Welcome, and I hope to see you around more often also :) .... Hopefully, I get more into the blogging mindset to return the favour. :)

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