Sunday, February 14, 2016


All that is holding me up right now is faith. Not the religious faith, not really, it's not about praying for that one specific thing (or person) or waiting for a recompensation of good karma to make it happen, though it almost could be perceived this, latter, way. All I have right now is faith, because if I let that go, I drop, fast, heavily and without any sort of gentleness that is often accompanied with the other kind of falling. This is its mirror image, in all the darkest, painful, haunted ways.

Oh, I am functioning. I am still able to get up and go through the motions. I am still able to perform and fulfill the template that forms whoever I am supposed to me: I crack jokes, I comfort and help, I execute, I even excel. But I don't really feel as if I am functioning. I am lost.

How do you learn to live without the part of you that makes you really you? I am definitely all about being yourself for yourself, but at the same time, I am most accurately defined by my capacity to love and, by some deeply ingrained need, to be loved.  When you've grown up in an environment that is starkly bereft of this, and more actively engaged in stripping you down at any instance so that you have no real sense of self or worth, it is even more deeply entrenched.

So what do you do when the one person who has stood you through all this decides to switch camps; suddenly you are given the message by this person, too, that you are not worth it.

When I most feared to trust anyone, including myself, and when I finally, finally, learnt to completely and utterly trust, it shatters. The worst part is that for me to heal, I need to destroy that tiny, very last bit of trust I had in myself.

But I can't.