There are these strange moments when I bid farewell to the last person I'm to interact with for the day, and it's almost as if I'm shutting a mental door behind them, and collapse against the door, sighing audibly, a loud "phew" if you will: finally I can stop pretending, finally I can wipe off the smile.
And it is weird, because these are the moments when I shut down the gates, lock the windows and then let myself be me. And yet, that girl out there with everyone, laughing, smiling, joking, slapping, glaring, she was me. But not really. These moments I tune into my music, and in a few hours of downtime, my focus is incomparable. I am down the warphole, and yet I am in a dangerous emotional torpedo. Sometimes, yes, I self destruct when I get too close with my solder and tweezers, trying to figure out what went wrong, without protective measures.
I harbour a lot of secrets, and I am not sure how many I keep from myself either. There was a time I felt that there was that one person that I told absolutely everything to, but one soon learns that sometimes, some things it is better to keep to oneself.
I am not sure now what I am really asking for. I know what I want more than ever, and yet I am now embarking on a ship that will literally take me away - far away - from any retribution or fulfillment of these dreams.
Maybe sometimes I shut the doors and lock the window against my own dreams. And that's okay. Maybe I will learn to survive without them.