I've shut off myself in the hopes of finding myself again. What I've come to realize is that I am searching for myself , a self, which is not who I am now. I am trying to be that person I was when I was a different me. It's at once so clearly obvious and yet, like much that is obvious, overlooked. Perhaps this break was not required for the goal I had set out with at first, but I have found that through it, perhaps it was nonetheless required. I have found that despite the contrast in how I have written, for myself and for others, that the person that I am and the person I was are too different.
I used to be able to write soulfully - simply because the person I was then was seeking, lost, searching, waiting, wanting, craving , and maybe more importantly, alone.
So then, I must ask myself, why do I want to be that person again? The person I am now, although unable to commit words to the record and unable to voice my emotions and feelings as poetically as I used to, this person is happier.
Not happier that I cannot write like I used to. But, in the time I have taken for myself, by closing my words off, I have found that the problem isn't just in the ability to write, it is the opportunity to write.
