Trick or Treat

I don't know why, but Halloween has always been one of my favourite occasions of the year. There is something about the low level of expectations, morally speaking. It's always been the one day that a child can really  have fun. Birthdays and New Years have always been reminders of growing up, with lectures and expectations of resolutions. Christmas was the disappointment of less gifts and more talk. Every other occasion was tinged with an emotional awareness of that which was missing.

Halloween though, was fun. Regardless of actually going out and trick-or-treating, or dressing up, somehow the lack of any real cultural overtone made the day so much more enjoyable. I have so many memories of this day and not all of them great.

5th grade, I had this amazing pant and jacket suit, black with big red polka dots all over. I had a rainbow coloured wig, and all I had to do was paint my face white with the usual highlights, and there you go, I was a clown. I remember running to school that morning in my costume, just after the bell had rang, and getting in while the rest of the class was sitting, and just at the door, I noticed no one else was dressed up. 

I was mortified. I turned right around and ran back out the door, and racing into the fields behind my house, I ran into my dad who was coming in to help the kids during the day. He had a hard time getting through my muffled cries and persuaded me to go back in. 

I was 10 years old, and the only person to really have dressed up in the entire class. As a clown. There was one other guy who came as a Vampire, but our desks were all pushed together in groups of 6, and I was so mortified to be sitting there with my rainbow wig and clown outfit.

Maybe that`s one of the cornerstones to making me the nonconforming and rebel person I am. Because when I entered high-school, I ended up being a real class-clown. And when I was in university I was awarded the Most Likely To Not Give A Damn award. Yeah, me.

Oh, and the candy. I loved the candy, which kid didn`t? But as I grew older and became more philosophical, I started questioning the necessity of it. What a waste - spending so much money to buy junk food that will only rot children`s teeth, and there are so many children out there who are starving.

So there we go, I undid it all didn't I? There's the missing element of morality that gets tied into the idea of simple fun.  But that's okay.

One of the top reasons I love this occasion is because of the joy of friendship, the pleasure of doing something absolutely crazy such as dressing up differently than you usually would - a just go crazy day. And I've found that not too many people do.

I'm not exactly sure what my favourite Halloween memory is. Making my own little broom and donning a witch's hat when I was 6, being sailor moon, dressing up as a black cat (always my default costume), and winning the best halloween costume in highschool, after freaking all the younger kids out. Piles of candy and treats, watching the little tots parade their costumes. Laughing so much with my friends about absolutely nothing.

Happy halloween to you all! ^.^ Mrow.

Hallows Eve

Cold blustery nights, with the leaves sweeping the streets, wet, damp. Tendrils of hazy clouds floating along the muted glow of the watchful moon.

Voices wafting through the dark streets, sounds of childhood, a hush of excitement. Approaching footsteps, the echo of a knock. The screams of souls and loud sinister laughter. The flicker of candles and yawning orange grins. 

Memories run through the streets, and crash through ghosts with sneakers, unbeknownst. They run up front drives and twirl through bushes, they peer through hedges, blinking and winking at the ghouls that pass by.

And the door opens. Trick or Treat? The chorus came. Opened satchels, and eager smiles. Memories peer over  shoulders,  watching, reminiscing.

11.11

Yesterday, or the day before, well sometime over the weekend - and I can't really remember because, that's how under the weather I was - I remember looking at the clock, and just then it was 11.11. AM or PM, I again don't recall. Most likely it was at night, because during the day I'd have busied myself with numerous chores, multitasking to keep mind and body distracted from that vague dystopia I had found myself in.

But this time, I recall sitting on the floor, leaning against my bed, and turning just a bit to see that the clock had just clicked into position at 11.11. And I looked at it and realized, there was a time I eagerly used to close my eyes and make a wish.

Silly thing to do. I know it. There is that little girl in me, always, that seeks to remain in a fairy world, where Cinderella sang about dreams and wishes and waited for her prince charming. Silly. But regardless, when one was in a position to make a wish and lose nothing from the act, I took the opportunity and made the wish.

At the moment when I saw the green numbers aligning with perfect parallels, I suddenly lost a sense of realism and found myself falling into different parallels of time. Why had I stopped wishing at 11.11?

One might induce from operant conditioning that it was a case of extinction. But no, not that the wishes never came true. If one was a confidante of the heart one might learn that they came true, of a sort. Rather this would be positively reinforcing the act of making the wish, because they came true.

Was this a case of taking things for granted? I would hope not. Perhaps it was that when the clock was set at 11.11, I was preoccupied with an act that negated my ability to perceive that the clock was at 11.11.

Maybe, I 've begun to expect (and therefore wish for) too much.  My wishes have gone from simple requests   to wishes, stemming from deepest fears,  that someone would do this or someone would do that. And perhaps, by the wishes having stopped coming true in that light, that's the actual behavioural extinction.  By them never coming true, I've given up.

What happened to the wishes made at 11.11, on the many shooting stars, on the birthday candles that were so rare? Perhaps I've really grown up? Or do I only grow up when I stop thinking about silly wishes and hopes entirely?

Quit

Another Liebster

Out of the blue (well, nowadays, it's almost perpetually grey) some things just fall on your head when you didn't expect it. I guess that's how Newton felt. In his case, he was able to change the world. In my case, it just gave me another reason to smile. Thanks to Tanya Sehgal, of Coveted Dreams, who nominated my Whispers of Rain poetry blog, for the Liebster Award (there isn't a rule about not receiving the same award again, right?).

Just because I have been awarded this before shouldn't make the charm and appreciation any less, right? :)

Now, I've to answer the questions she's posed for me and state some random facts about myself.


Questions :

1. Which is your favorite movie? Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I have no absolute favourite.At the moment, it is the hindi movie Cocktail.

2. Why do you blog? I absolutely love to write. Because it's an extension of myself, an ability to express myself in ways that I would not be able to do otherwise. I love capturing moments, and therefore memories, and having it sealed away for my own perusal and sharing with those who are closest to heart.

3. If one day, a fairy asks "Make a Wish !", What will be it ? A secret! ;)

4. What were you like as a child? I went through many phases of self-expression while growing, and they correlate somewhat to the circumstances I had experienced (very typical of child development, I know). I was always a dreamer, and a writer. I constantly had this hyperactive imagination, and was always making up stories and I was a bit of a boss, I was quiet but very talkative. I was a princess in my own made-up world, but I was the type who would be dressed up in pretty dresses and would still be found climbing trees and fences. I was a very happy child until certain incidents, and then I think I pulled into my shell for a very long time until I found myself again. I guess I was always fiercely independent, and that's still the case now, and yet I loved making people laugh, and smile, and I think that translated to a very quiet deep need to be nurtured and loved. That's also true to this day.

5. Love marriage or arrange, which one would you prefer? Love, always.

6. Your first priority if you become a millionaire? Making sure family needs were seen to.

7. Candle light dinner or Long Drive? Now, why can't I  have both? :P I think I would choose the dinner now, because it's just the season and mood...cold and blustery and just perfect for staying in and cuddling up.

8. Ice-cream or Black Forest Cake?  Ice cream! But, that also depends on the flavour. If it's chocolate or something too rich, then I might just take a slice of the cake.

9. Short stories or poetry ? Yikes. I think I would choose the former, there is always something I find extra appealing about narratives and relating to others stories, even if fiction. Poetry has its own beauty, yet sometimes might not be so fulfilling.

10. How many hours do you spend on facebook daily? Hardly any if at all. Facebook just... exists. It's like actually looking under the bed, you know that space exists, but it just gathers dust. :/  I do get to run into some great friends/sisters once in a blue moon, and when that happens it's like having a great slumber party with flashlights and heart to heart talks.

11. Cute or beautiful, what's your pick ? I'm both :P What can I say? *preens* LOL 

Random Facts about IQ:

1. I am wearing very dark blue nailpolish.

2. Jeans and a hoodie usually constitute my daily work outfit. 

3. I have just recently fallen in love with Lindor Coffee Truffles.

4. I don't know why, but despite me being a self-professed health freak, I have been indulging in junk food this week. 

5. I'm taking a brb right this very minute because I'm feeling the effects of the coffee I had this morning. Yeah I know you really didn't need to know that.

6. While I was drying my hands, I remembered a reason I loved the movie Cocktail, and it's almost a silly reason but it's just the type of things that I love - there was a scene with a bookshelf being shelved with books, and during one pan of the camera, I spotted one of my favourite authors books right there at the end.  This is the very same book I had recently loaned to a coworker.

7. I just yawned.

8. I love completing the daily crossword and sudoku on the train.

9. I shall be having pasta for lunch today, so we can all expect me to be sleepy mid-afternoon. *sigh*

10. I really did sigh out loud just now.

11. I'm thankful to Tanya but, really, I'm very glad this is the last fact I need to write. Phewwwwwww.

Cocktail

If you've been hanging around me long enough recently, you'll already know that I'm in love with Cocktail, the not-so-new-anymore hindi movie starring Saif, Deepika and Diana Penty.

My love for this movie started as most love stories ought to: love at first sight. The very second I laid my much-starved-for-good-hindi-movies eyes on the trailer, I was smitten. Now this was months and months ago, when the trailer first came out.  So why am I writing about it now?

Simply, I never really got the chance to watch it. I did watch some of it a month ago, but that was while doing other things. I've watched it again without subtitles (and I need subtitles). I've watched it with no sound, with subtitles (surprisingly, that works really well for me). Anyways, last week, one certain grandeur-deluded friend shares my fascination with this movie, and he challenged me to watch the movie within 48 hours or else. Obviously, I cannot let a challenge go like that (like duh!).

So I watched it twice since the challenge was set. I'm obsessed. The songs, the story, the friendship. The je ne sais quoi. I haven't felt so happily in love with a movie since, umm, maybe Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na. Well, there has been Rockstar, and... what was the movie that now eludes my memory? I don't know.

Apparently, I was so infatuated during the first trailer days, that when I started hearing people muttering about what a waste it was, two things went on in my head. One, I didn't want to face the stark possibility of disappointment, and so denied myself the possibility, by not watching it. On the other hand, I rejoice in falling for what others don't appreciate, and making it mine. So I wanted to see it. As things panned out, I didn't find the time.

Until now. There are probably 23984029348314832 things I love about this movie. There are just as much things I can pick out, that might have not been loveable, to think about. And I love that about movies. Movies that I can relate to right down to my bones.

If you look through the list of movies I've had deep passionate affairs with, you will see a pattern. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Hum Tum, Kal Ho Na Ho, Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, Ajab Prem Ki Gazab Kahani, Jab We Met, I Hate Love Stories, Break Ke Baad, Saawariya, Rockstar, (ok, maybe Band Baja Baraat and Ishaqzaade)...and now Cocktail. I'm not going to point it out to you. Maybe I'll go in-depth about what it is that brings these movies close to my heart in another post.

Focus.

This post is about Cocktail, and I'm so glad I watched it properly. This time around, despite somewhat seeing it before, I actually cried, I actually laughed out loud, I glared, I grinned like the crazy kid I am, and I rolled my eyes. If a movie (or book) can make me cry and laugh, that's it. Another thing, I usually blot out the fact of who the actors are, and just steep myself with the characters themselves. That's how I relate. And I like happy endings. (Not all the time - take a look at Rockstar, she died.) Life is always so uncertain and it's hard to see around corners when you're living the journey yourself, and so it's always nice to feel that there is hope around the corner. Even if it's for a few days, somehow it's being able to think and dream positively that makes today itself worth it, no?

Back to School 22

As he walked through the silent corridors, he heard footsteps. The lights above his head flickered. He froze, and listened carefully. The footsteps had stopped.

He rolled his eyes. Typical. When I needed to get here in a rush, half the world and their dogs were in my way. Now that I'm leaving, there isn't a single soul around.  He started walking again, cursing Murphy in his head, and then hearing the footsteps coming closer, he swung around suddenly, his hands poised ready above his hip.

'Oh. Hey.' The girl blinked up at Smoke.

'You?' Smoke glared at the girl from the exam room. 'Why are you following me?'

'Following? Oh. No. You forgot this,' She held out a piece of paper. Under the flickering light, he stared at it. It was the pamphlet from the Jesus Christ Club he'd been given earlier on the crowded campus lawn.

'Jesus Christ,' Smoke rolled his eyes to the ceiling. 'You kidding me? You followed me out to give me this?'

'Um well, just being helpful. You never know what people might be possessive with...especially,' She looked at him and then stopped whatever she was saying.

'Especially what?' He glared at her suspiciously.

'Well, taking in mind your answers to the exam?'

'Listen. You aren't the teacher, or professor, or, or, whatever. So, just....yeah, whatever.' Smoke turned to leave.

'Hey. Sorry if I insulted you. I don't really know that many people here, but there are a bunch of us going to....well, I thought I would...' She trailed behind him.

He turned around again, with an incredulous look.  'Hit on me? What, are you, crazy?'

'Hit on you?' She seemed confused. 'No! I would never. Oh my god. NO! I just thought, you seemed a bit like you could use some cheering up, and there are some friends of mine who wanted me to meet them later...'

'Listen kid. You should be in bed whenever later is. It's already 9 in the evening. What is later?'

'Well, later, as in now. I'm going over now.'

'Good for you.' He turned again and disappeared around the corner. What did she mean she would never, was she insulting me? He looked at his reflection in the window as he turned around the corner of the building silently. He felt better. I'm sexy and I know it. 


--------------------------


Nerdyy pulled open the creaking door. This was obviously not the same sleek door that their abductor had used. This door was rusty, definitely not used often. He peered through the dark doorway and found himself at the bottom of a long metal staircase that spiralled upward.

'Laylaaa?' He called out, and his voice echoed through that tall space. He looked around then went back out to the sand, grabbing Layla's bag, and returning. He eyed the rust in distaste then looked up, and up, at the spiralling steps. This gets crazier and crazier. How in the world could Layla have gone without telling me? How did she even disappear without me noticing? 

He sighed, and then started the climb.


----------------------------

'No, I'm serious, I need to go to the washroom. I have to pee.'

Rinka was silent for a few moments. 'You could have gone before, anyway now it's too late. Time to have drinks with me.'

'I don't drink.' She countered.

'You lied then. You said you had one.'

'I meant, I had...water.'

'You did not have water, you had a drink, I can tell.'

'How?' She glared at him suspicously.

'I am God. I know.' He beckoned at DM to bring them drinks.

'I see. And do you have any other talents?' She sat herself down and prepared to make polite conversation with this arrogant dude.

'I have many talents. Being God is not a talent.' He wondered what he was saying. Am I drunk?

'Don't you wonder what comes out of your mouth sometimes?' She smiled a steely smile.

'How..., what, no.' He blinked behind his sunglasses. 'Tell me, do you ever feel that people can read your mind?'

'Nop. Why? Is that one of your talents?' She looked down at the drink that was placed in front of her. She shrugged and drank it down.

'No, yes, of course. But I meant, in general, as a human being, wouldn't you wonder about people reading minds?'

'I'm not a human being though, you see.' She seemed to be mocking him.

'No, you don't look like one.' He played along.

'What gave me away? Don't tell me my green antennae are showing.'

'No. You were writing in your notebook and reading.  In a club. Who does that?'

Her smile disappeared. 'I do. If you have a problem go out in the bushes and deal with it!'

'I'm not saying it's bad. Do you ever get the feeling that we're all in some story some creature has written and we're just playing out some roles that they get to choose who we are and what we do?'

She just stared at him. 'Yeah... I think I need to use the washroom now.'


-----------------------


Nerdy huffed as he reached the very top. I am so not looking down. The staircase was flimsy at best. He was tired, and he really had to pee. There was a trapdoor of some sort above and he was ready to heave-ho at it, when he noticed something that looked like a doorbell.

Well, when life gives you doorbells, you, err, press the doorbell. He pressed the doorbell. The trapdoor started moving. Suddenly he was squinting into bright fluorescent light. He climbed through the space and found himself in a toilet stall.

Just what I needed.


-------------------------------------


Smoke entered the basement with another tray. It was empty. He put the tray down on the table already littered with used plates. They escaped.

He knew he should have used his own facilities. These warehouse basements were filled with ways out. That's orite. He pulled out his gun from his hip holster and checked the magazine. He saw the ripped out door, and approached, with the gun held ready. Kicking it open and sidling inside, he stared up at the shaky metal staircase. Hell no.

He backed out and ran out the other door. He took the elevator up and left the supply room and entered the mayhem.

-----------------------------------------

Rinka looked at his watch. That girl wasn't back. While she was gone, he was going through her notebook.  He was getting worried. Everything he was reading was strangely familiar. There were names mentioned that he knew, and he was worried how she knew them.

He got up. He had to check this out. He walked towards the ladies washroom and was about to go through again, when a bunch of girls walked by giggling and a few caught his eye. He straightened up and leaned against the wall casually as if he was just waiting. As they passed, the ladies washroom door opened and a girl walked out, looking a bit self conscious.

'Hey excuse me, is there anyone in there?' He asked.

'Umm, no. There's inside while I was in there. Or maybe someone's in the stalls, I don't know.' She smiled politely and then walked away.

'What a nice girl,' He thought. Then pushed the door open, and went inside. It was empty as she'd said. But that last stall was still locked.

He faced the mirrors again and checked himself out absent-mindedly while hitting the redial button again. Come on Taka, answer your damn phone.

The sound of ringing came suddenly from behind him. Aha. He turned around and rapped on the stall.

'I don't know what you hiding in there for. Come out now. Before I kick the door down.'

The toilet flushed twice and the door opened.

He stared in confusion as he came face to face with another man.

'What are you doing in here? This is a ladies washroom.' Rinka eyed the man.

'Well, if you don't mind me, I need to wash my hands twice. I didn't know that. I was, errr, relieving myself.'

'What do you mean you didn't know. You had to come through the door which is marked Ladies.'

'Yeah, but you're not a lady yourself are you?' Nerdyy dried his hands.

'Where did you come from then? What are you doing with Taka's phone? And why are you carrying a woman's purse?' Rinka was stupified.

'I came from the secret passage in there.' Nerdy pointed to the stall.

Rinka walked into it and glared down at the toilet bowl. 'You came from here?'

Nerdyy was fixing his hair. 'Yes, that's right.'


--------------------

Smoke ran around the corner towards the washrooms and bumped into someone.

'Oh, I'm sorr...' He trailed off as he stared down at the girl from the exam room. 'What the hell?'

'What are you doing here?' She stared at him in shock.

'Seriously? Why are you following me? Who sent you?'  He glared down at her.

'I didn't know you would be here!  I told you, I was meeting a couple of friends here...'

'You really expect me to believe that?'

'Well you will just have to, because that's the truth! Deal with it.' She glared at him, and stomped off. Why couldn't I just be home today? These British people are so strange.

She looked at her watch. She was just a few minutes late, but there was noway anyone could get mad at her today.

She pulled out her phone and tried calling her friends. There was no answer. Great. How do I find them in this crowd? She stood on a chair to see better.

Suddenly the lights went off. The crowd let out a chorus of exclamations and groans. She scrambled down, feeling her way in the dark, and suddenly lost her balance and fell to the ground.

'Ouch.' Suddenly her phone lit up. In the dim light, she saw two shapes in front of her underneath the table. She bit back a scream, then stared in shock.

'Ether? Jiya? What are you doing underneath this table?'

Ether opened his eyes and looked around in bewilderment.

'Oh! You're here!'

'Thanks, but what are you doing underneath this table?'

Ether gestured at Jiya sitting with her eyes closed. 'She wanted to meditate. So we came here to meditate. It's a bit weird, but then I personally find those people dancing and getting drunk weird myself.'

A few lights flared and suddenly there was the sound of music...

'I am a bad bad girl....I'm gonna rock your worldddd...'(listen to song here:http://iq-butterflyeffect.blogspot.ca/)

'Um where is that music coming from?' Ether looked around. Suddenly the table they were underneath was shaking. And there were whistles and cheers from the crowd. They crawled out from underneath the tables to the full vocals of the punjabi singer singing.

'Tera naam japdi phiran, soneya...Main tera naam japdi phiran'

They looked up over the table to the vision of some girl dancing away on the table. The crowds were starting to dance also. They looked at the girl dancing on the top of the table to the girl meditating underneath the table.

'This is going to be one crazy night.' she whispered to Ether.

'Oh, you have no idea.' Ether whispered back.

-----------------------------

'So explain to me again, how you have that phone? And what exactly you doing with my little sister?' Rinka lit up a cigarette, and offered the box to Nerdyy. Nerdyy shook his head, declining.

Suddenly the lights went out. Nerdyy looked around bewildered. 

'Errr, maybe we should check that out.' 

'No, you're not leaving until you tell me where my sister is.'

Nerdyy looked around. 'I don't know where she is. I followed her through that secret passage.'

'You followed my sister through the toilet?' Rinka asked.

'Not the toilet! Geez. Come on. It's not normal to be standing in the dark in the women's washroom.'

'I'm not normal.' Rinka exhaled. 'I told you, you're not leaving until you tell me where my sister is.'

A shadow spoke from the doorway. 'And you're not leaving until you tell me where IQ is.'

-----------------

'That's IQ!' Ether said in shock. 

'What? What are you talking about?' 

'That girl on the table is IQ!' 

'IQ! Whereeeeeeeeeee?'

IQ waved happily, if not a little tipsy from where she was dancing on the table. 

'You came with her?' 

'No, um. Well sort of.' Ether scratched his head. 'It's a long story.'

The music suddenly stopped, and in the silence, there was a gasp and from under the table Jiya crawled.

'Kiaraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY' Jiya hugged Kiara tightly.

-----------------

Nerdyy gulped. 

In the dark washroom, they could hear the faint sound of punjabi music thrumming and the drip of water from the sinks.

'I don't know where IQ and Layla are.' 

Smoke leaned against the doorframe, still a dark shadow. 'You still expect me to believe that?'

Rinka kept smoking silently.

'I err don't know what to expect any of you to believe. But I assure you that's the truth. I'm just as concerned as either of you about the whereabouts of my two good friends but as you can see, I'm just as in the dark as you are.'

Rinka chuckled at his little joke. 'Funny.'

Suddenly the sound of bullets ricocheted, sparks flying. Rinka hit the floor and Smoke flatted against the doorway. Nerdyy blinked and looked around.

'Romeyoooooooooo. I'll save you!' Layla's voice came from the last stall, and she burst out with her gun held aloft, and grabbed Nerdyy. 

'Oye. Taka. What you pointing your toy gun at me for?' Rinka got up from the floor.

'Shutup bro. You were bullyinggggg my Romeyo!'

'Romeo shomeo. Who cares who he is.'

'Whatever, bro!' Layla shot at the door, but Smoke was gone. 'Romeyo, run!' 

Nerdy turned and ran out of the washroom into the semi-lit crowded floor of the club.

-------------------

'Kiara?' IQ looked down from the table. She saw the trio and climbed down, a little off-balance. 

'Easy there, Miss IQ.' Kiara beamed at IQ.

'Oh boy, it's my lucky day.' IQ grinned and wrapped Kiara in a big hug. 'Happy birthday Kiaaa!'

Then fainted.

Back to School 21

Rinka, as his sister called Bulb, knocked on the door. The door opened as outgoing girls rushed out, gossipping, giving him looks.  He scratched his  head. Locked inside, my foot. The door is open.

Just in case, he stuck his head in. There was a little enclave and another door leading to the main ladies washroom. He sidled in, and then yanked the door open.

There was a shriek. Two girls were standing at the sinks, staring at him in shock.

'Sorry, ladies. Looking for my sister.' He gave them a nonchalant look. 'Maybe you've seen her?'

'Dude! We won't fall for those lines!" They gave him dirty looks and pushed past him and left.

He shrugged and then went in, kicking the doors open in the line of toilet stalls one by one. They were all empty except the last one. It was locked.

'Ok. Found you. Get out now.' He turned to the big mirror behind the sinks and  checked himself out, fixing his hair. There was no response. Instead, the outer door opened and a man entered.

Rinka raised an eyebrow from behind his sunglasses. 'This is the ladies washroom dude.'

'Yeah, trust me. I know. I just came to get a picture.' The dude raised the camera hung around his neck and snapped several pictures consecutively.

'Picture?' Rinka raised an eyebrow at the dude with the camera. 'Do you want me to break the camera?'

'Hey, you're not that bad looking. Trust me. The girls outside told me you were here so, yeah.'

'What yeah?' Rinka approached the dude menacingly.

'Uh, nothing. Just memories of the night at the club.' The photographer ran out.

Rinka looked around and then back at the last stall. He kicked it. There was no response still.

'Time's up. Get your butt out of there now. I don't have time for this.' He took a last look in the mirror and went out again.


---------------

Nerdy looked around. He couldn't see Layla.

'Lulu?' He scanned the hills of sand stretching out along the entire warehouse floor. 'Where are you?'

There was silence. 'Luluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?'

Nerdyy was really confused now. How in the world could she just disappear? And on top of things, he was getting desperately thirsty. His stomach growled. And hungry. He walked back to the table, and checked out the plates. There was some chicken left on Layla's plate. He sat down and started cleaning it up. He looked around for some water to wash it all down, but all the cups were empty. Oh no, this isn't good. I really need to wash this hangover out. He heard the sound of a toilet flushing.

He froze, and his eyes slid left, and then right. Nothing. Maybe I'm hearing things?


-----------------

Rinka sat at the bar, leaning back with his elbows, watching the crowd. He couldn't see Layla, or anyone he recognized, but he sure was seeing a lot of girls. He sighed, and pulled out his phone, hitting redial. It rang and rang, then just when he was going to hit end, it picked up.

'The number you have dialled is not in service. Please hang up and try again.'

He raised an eyebrow. 'What did she do now? Drop her phone in the toilet?', he muttered to himself.

He swivelled to face the bar, and got dizzy. Maybe a few too many drinks. Too many? Never. He nodded at the bartender for another drink. DM stretched and came over to pour him another drink.

'You ok, mate?' DM asked. 'You said you were looking for a girl. No luck then?'

Rinka shook his head. 'No luck.'

'Why don't you give her a try,' DM nodded towards the end of the bar counter. Rinka looked over and then turned back and raised an eyebrow at DM.

'She's been there for a long time. Couldn't hurt to give it a shot init,' DM shrugged.

Rinka scratched his head. 'Is this an insult?'

DM took a step back. "No mate, insult? It was just a sugg..'

'I told you I'm looking for my sister, and you suggest random girls to me? What an insult.'

'No man. I thought.. well, nevermind then.' DM shook his head and went to tend to another patron.

Rinka concentrated on his drink, finished it, then slowly turned to check out the girl at the end of the bar. His eyebrow went up again.

'What the hell is wrong with her?'


---------------

Nerdyy dropped the phone in relief. He had no idea where Layla was, but something must be wrong, because she left her bag. She never leaves her bag and never her phone.

A few moments earlier, while he was on his knees trying to find the crack in the wall for the door, the phone started ringing. He had scrambled to find it, and when he looked at the display he almost dropped it again.

It was Rinka! Layla didn't want her brother to know she was with him. Wait, why not? Rinka and I talk to one another. He shook his head, whatever her reasons were, he respected them. He didn't want to get her in trouble. More trouble, that is. 

The phone kept ringing. He winced. It was piercing his head, remnants of that hangover. Make it shut up! If I just end the call she might get in trouble, if I answer it, she might get in trouble. What do I DO? Breathe, Nerdy, breathe. 

He took a deep breathe. Then he cleared his throat, and hit Talk, and spoke into the phone. 'The number you have dialled is not in service. Please hang up and try again.' He quickly hit end and dropped the phone in relief.


----------------


Rinka sidled up next to the girl. She didn't look up. He cleared his throat. She didn't look up. He hummed a bit under his breathe. She didn't look up.

'Is she deaf?' He wondered out loud to himself.

'Excuse me?' She blinked at him through her glasses.

'Oh. Sorry. I was uhh, wondering...' Rinka looked at her and wondered again what he was doing talking to this strange girl.

'What you're doing talking to a strange girl?' She raised an eyebrow at him. He blinked.

'How, what, no. I wasn't thinking that at all. Why would I think that? That's...rude.'

'And wondering out loud, right beside me, if I was deaf, isn't rude?' She rolled her eyes.

'Well, no. I was trying to get your attention.' He didn't like her attitude.

'You could simply say 'excuse me', like normal people do,' She smirked.

'Yes. But I'm not normal people.' He smirked back.

'Yeah. I can tell.' She went back to her book.

'So. Why are you reading a book in a club?' He looked at her askance. 'You know that's not normal also?'

'I never said I was normal also.' She continued reading.

'Everyone thinks you're crazy.' There. He said it.

'I don't mind. I'm crazy. Let them think that,' She grinned at him.

'Are you drunk?' He looked at her suspiciously.

'I am not drunk. I just had one drink.' She tossed her head.

'So can I entice you to have a drink or two with me?' He smiled at her behind his sunglasses.

'I, uhm.. Have to go to the washroom.' She started closing her book, and made as if to get up.

'No luck. I already checked the ladies washroom. There are no windows to escape from.' He sat back coolly.


------------------------

'Laylaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' Nerdy was getting desperate. 'Where the heck can she be?'

He had tried shifting heaps of sand with his shoe, hoping maybe there was some trapdoor she had fallen through. Nope. He stood in the middle of a pile of sand and held his head. How the hell do I get myself in these messes? He looked up at the ceiling that was painted over as a Saharan sky, and froze. He squinted and tried to focus.  I know I saw something. 

He backed up, trying to catch a better glance at the ceiling, and went falling backward, losing his balance. He hit a wall, hard.

'Umphhhh.' He slithered down to his knees. Suddenly something covered him. He freaked out for a second, then realized it wasn't moving. He pushed himself out from underneath it, and found himself holding the canvas that was covering part of the wall. 'Holy...'

Behind the flap that was removed from the wall, was a door!

Consolation

Hey you. Me? Yeah, it`s me! Who did you expect to be? Did you really expect it to be anyone else? No, it's me. I know, you're disappointed that it's me. Let me let you in on a secret: It's always going to be me. You don't want to listen to the ones who would say anything, and the ones you'd really want it to be won't be doing it. You'll just end up sinking deeper into that pit of desolation. So here I am!

So you want a word of consolation. Guess what, you are in luck. You need a shoulder to cry on, you've got mine. You just remember this: you don't need anyone. Everyone else will be twiddling their thumbs on the sidelines, hoping that you get over this quickly. And hey, we know you're going to get over this quickly, but it sucks to hell and back when you realize no one is going to jump into the quicksand along with you, doesn't it?

Did you really expect anyone to? Think about it. Who in their right minds would want to get pulled into that mess, and dirty their nice clean selves up? And if you're expecting it, then stop right this minute. You're the one who has to be cheerful and talkative for everyone else. If you don't talk, no one else will. So how will the world go on?

And listen. Cut out those tears. They annoy me, and they probably annoy everyone else who has to put up with them. You remember when you were a small little girl alone in the big bad world, and thought you would always be alone? Yes well guess what Einstein, you were right.

So stop looking for pity, or sympathy. You don't need it. You want a strong hero to come save you and give you a happily ever after, well you're the only one who can be your hero. If you want your life to get on track, you're the only one who's going to be picking up the rope and pulling the whole train behind you. No one else will help you.  Oh there will be those who will walk alongside you, or even take a rope and tell you they're there at your side, but the second things go wrong, you know you'll be back to fixing things on your own and no one else will be there. Remember that, kid, no one.

So take a deep breathe, and let it all out. Even when you've got the whole weight to pull yourself, the one thing you need to remember is, you can.

Black

It's funny. Not in a haha-funny way, but a sardonic-funny way. But yeah, it's funny. Writing, for me, is a way to open up and express the things that I am experiencing. But right now, I'm thinking to myself that I can't write a word about it all, because it's just a whole lot of emotions and stuff, and when written in words, seem to be at play for everyone to mock and roll their eyes at. That's the problem with opening the heart, you have to prepare for the censure. Oh, I know, I'm being very negative, but sometimes it's better to be this way.

I tend to close up and go into my cocoon when I'm not feeling quite myself. I'm not sure why I am writing all this and I might regret it when I get a hold of myself and compose myself into the expected smiling face. I guess I am writing this because I don't want to have to answer any more questions about "what's wrong" or demands for "cheering up". I'll cheer up in no time at all. The thing is I just need to vent.

I'm in the process of cutting parts of myself out again. Yes, again. As they say, we're all in a learning process.  There was a time when I was too nice to everyone. Apparently that's not cool any more. Maybe I've learnt the hard way. I don't know. Do I sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity? If I do, please excuse me.

Is there an end to this? I don't know. There is no use in being distraught because once I let myself, I'm really in for it. Teetering on the brink of the black hole with all probability favouring the fall. Come on superpowers, do your magic.

Mirror Mirror

Sometimes, no matter what, you realize that when it's the end of the day, no matter how much you try to fool yourself otherwise, you realize you're still very much alone. No matter how many times you cut yourself up in pieces trying to please everyone else. When you try to have a voice of your own, it's silenced. There's a world that's full of sorrow, and we're all looking around in the chaos for that one glimpse that someone understands. Only when the glass shatters in millions of pieces, as the shards pierce us through our hearts, do we learn that we can only find it in ourself. No one else.

October

October. This is one of my favourite months of the year. I don't really know why, but you can safely bet that it has to do with the weather and season. There are these small tiny frames of time wherein all the most magical elements are experienced.

Sometimes, with the mundane parts of life take away from our ability to really experience it all. I've gone through days these past weeks where my mind is so full of so many thoughts, and just watching the world go by when I do get a chance to take a breather, that I've found it somewhat sad that I haven't been writing here.

There is this guilty feeling when I come on, and feel I need to post the next episode, because that's what you want to read. But then, for whatever reason, my mind has been so scattered that I cannot sit still enough to write a sequel.

That's one side of the guilt, but then again there is the other, when I feel guilty to myself and to my blog, because what I should be doing is putting down a few words that describe what I'm feeling and thinking. That's the whole premise of the blog, at least for me. There is part of me that feels, oh why would you write anything other than the story, everyone is just going to ask where's the next episode, and don't care about what you're thinking. Everyone is thinking, so what?

I feel a bit subdued, and I'm not sure why. It's as if my center of gravity, or the axis my being is centered through with is out of alignment. My mind and heart and soul aren't all in tune. There is a dissonance that jarrs every breath I take to focus myself, and I still remain off balance.

I realize this is not just me; every which way I look, I see reflections of this sense of unease in others. What is it about this time that permeates a feeling of lost? Transitions that are uncertain? Transitions that we feel and sense by looking out at the falling leaves, and the vacuum-like sense of the eye of a storm. We're stepping out of one portal into another, and yet, this place in between, is this considered a place of its own or just a temporary corridor?

There are expectations of the future that pull and tug us, and yet we dig in our heels wanting to slow down and stop for a moment. I need to find all the pieces of myself that I've loaned out and put them all together again. This is the time for changes, and in change, to heal.

A Word

There are those of you asking where I am, and those asking if I've got writers block.  To answer shortly, I'm right here, and no, I don't have writer's block.

I guess one might say I've been taking a bit of a break. There are reasons why I haven't been writing further episodes to the Back to School series, and part of that is that the sole purpose of writing it was because of my love for my friends who are depicted in the story, and consequently I cannot do full justice when things are a bit murky in terms of that friendship. I'd rather have a clear head and full heart when I write anything so that I don't later on regret that I could have made a scene better if I had cleared the air.

Not to make things any further dramatic, anyhow, but I can assure you that BTS will be on-track soon. In the meantime, please shmile. :)

Mucho loves, ♥

Memories

I have memories. They're stacked in my closet, hidden under my bed, lining the bookshelves, peeking from their secret spots all tucked away behind the curtains. They climb up my walls, and peek down at me while I lay in the dark. When I walk, I see them. They follow me when noone else is looking, but I sense them, sometime. Sometimes I know they're right there, and even when I stare at them they pretend that I haven't noticed. Or when I'm seated at my desk, I can feel the scurry of little feet underneath.

I smell them on a wet evening, while the winds are blowing and the trees are swaying in the dark. Or when I walk up the stairs of an old building, and each step takes me closer, creaking. They gather like dust, in dust, and think it's a camouflage. They perch on the windowsills, watching. 

Sometimes they think they are still alive. I don't know what to do with that knowledge. Do I tell them or should I not? When I open a door, I hear them run around for their hiding spots. But if I take a seat, and sit long enough, they creep close and sit by my side. They tell me things, but they don't have voices. When they speak, I hear them as if it is myself, reading another's letters in my own voice. 

They want to live on. Can you blame them? Sometimes they're broken, and missing parts. Sometimes, they keep walking in a direction that doesn't exist. When they tumble out from between pages, I fear for touching them, lest they crumble so aged and delicate they may be. Sometimes, I can feel them asking me questions. They want to know if they lived for a reason. I don't know how to tell them that I don't know. I tell them I think they did. They did not exist without purpose. 

There are little ones, they pull on the hems of my jacket. They curl themselves around my knees. They want me to meet their friends, who belong to others. Not mine. I know them, somehow. Sometimes they all look alike. And sometimes it hurts to look at others. Even though I may only have met them, it feels like I've known them forever. They want reassurance, even as they creep back into their hiding spots, they want to know if I will forget them? How do I tell them that I don't know if I can, even if I tried?

Sentimental

They say you learn something new everyday. And they also say that we're always changing, no matter how hard we dig our heels in. I think I discovered both of these today, and it's thanks to all of you -

Smoke for posting this quote, Nerdy for reminding me and remembering that I told him I detest that quote, Layla for explaining why I do, and to Kiara, for flipping it around and showing me another reason why I shouldn't.

I've detested this quote because once upon a time, I had friends who would do what Layla said: they would always just suddenly put up walls and I would always have to be the one who'd have to climb the walls, or punch at them with my bare knuckles, or break a leg dropping over the other side to find them. I'd done this so many times, that suddenly it hit me bitterly and sadly, that never once was the effort returned. Not by all  my friends, mind you, but there were certain "best friends" who made the impact so much that I did become bitter. Suddenly I'd realized that even when I made the effort, they would quote that same quote as if that were enough reason, when it was an excuse for their distance and not caring. Like Layla's said many times, and Smoke also recently posted, there's a time you give up because the other people have stopped caring. I'd have posted this thought at the time when it occurred to me. (You can read it here.) when I had pulled myself away from the cycle of trying to climb that impossibly high wall.

On the other hand, Kiara's reply to Smoke's posting of this quote made me realize, I'm extremely lucky today. And it's in fact because of the extraordinarily caring and cherishing people I do have today. I`ve found that I`m "fighting" or pulling a sulk a lot more often than I ever have with my close friends. And that`s because they`re so incredibly close to me that I feel I can be all of who I really am. I don't have to hide when I am hurt or pissed. And that says a lot doesn't it?

Imagine that. Two girls I love a lot, and who are much younger than I am have said what's brought me to this post. And I realize you all would rather read another episode of BTS, but I'm taking a break while I find my creative juices. Layla's "I do agree with you BUT if every1 did dat at da same time, no 1 wud ever OPEN UP 2 any1 else n we would all be lonely" was exactly what was on my mind, and then Kiara's "And sometimes even the people that are there for you won't knock down the walls you made, just so that they can give you space :) "

That's when I saw the light. When I do fight, I tend to actually do this now. I put up that wall when I'm sulking and I'm actually waiting for the other person to come and make me feel it's alright, that I still have them and they'll accept me even when I make sulky faces. And can you believe it - I actually get more pissed when they DO give me space! This goes back to something Blew said, "I dnt agree to getting distant even if for a short while...maybe its separation anxiety...as if they will go away as soon as ul let go of their hand. Therefore I feel like sticking to them n making their lives miserable:D" - that's it exactly.

So thank you, you'll know who you are, for being there for me, enduring my sulks, my nautanki moments,  for accepting me wholly and for making me think and realize, and learn so much more about myself. I've learnt to become extremely picky and choosy about who I do get close to because of this quote in the past, and now because of this same quote, (hey, it's the circle of life!), I'm realizing - not for the first time, but so much more- how lucky I am to have you.

Yours Truly, ♥.


I`m adding a P.S. here, because I suddenly went to my GoldenMemories blog and saw the Thought of the Day thingy which I`d made to show old posts I had written way back when I was so intelligent-sounding. The quote I found made me realize, that hey even I`m my own best friend also :D 

Faith is a tree, growing new branches even in the face of a storm. And when the time is right, those new branches bear fruit. When you have faith, despair is not an option. Faith is a lesson to be learnt, just like everything else in life.

-IQ...Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Back to School 20

The noise in the club was deafening. The front doors burst open and Bulb stood gazing at the crowds, as the haze cleared. There was just a faint murmur of complaint from a couple who were lost in each other's arms, but otherwise the crowd went on as normal. Bulb stepped inside the club and twirled his moustache.. The couple disengaged and glared at him. Bulb stared at them coolly through his sunglasses. They moved away in a huff, muttering comments about Rajnikanth wannabes. Bulb sauntered through the crowds,  manoeuvring smoothly past dancing couples and groups, right through the crowd which somehow parted ways as if it were the Red Sea. He sat at the bar. Unfazed, DM poured him a drink.

An hour later, DM poured another drink and slid it across the bar.

'Mate, you OK?' DM gathered up the empty glasses.

'I'm okay. I just need to find my damn sister in this place.' Bulb looked around warily at the crowds.

'Hmm. What's she look like then?' DM wasn't too sure why he was making small talk with this guy, except that he was still buying. DM liked paying customers.

'She looks like...' Bulb burped. 'She looks like a girl.'

'Uh....' DM rolled his eyes. 'Aight. Fair enough. You sure she's here then, yeah?'

'She's here. I traced the signal from her mobile. It's here.' He shook his head sadly at the bottom of his glass. 'It's a sad day when your little sister goes clubbing when she has exams to study for.'

'Mate, that's normal.'

'It's normal? Define normal.' Bulb pulled out a cigarette.

'Uh. Normal is smoking outside where it's legal mate.' DM nodded toward the open patio to the side.

Bulb lit up his cigarette, not moving. 'I'm God. I don't do normal.'


...................


'These are all paintings,' Nerdyy mused, walking along the walls, tracing the patterns with his fingers.

'Paintings? Like, can I sell them for money?' Layla came up close to a wall and stared at the painted walls.

'Err, a bit hard to sell walls, Diyah. I guess this must be some warehouse or something.' Nerdyy looked up at the ceiling. 'That's all painted too. Pretty neat.'

There was a buzzing sound and Layla pulled out her phone and looked at the screen.

 'Oh, God! It's him!'

'Yes, it's me, God.' Bulb's voice sounded from the phone.

Layla gawked at the phone. 'Hey, how did he do that? I didn't press anything.'

'I'm God. I can do anything.'

'Oi, shushhhh Rinka! I pressed speaker by accident!'

'Ok, ok. Come out now.'

'Come out where? I can't get out!'

'I'm here. Don't try to lie to me.'

Layla peered around the big sandy room.

'Listen bro. You ain't here. You're lying to me!'

'I'm going to count to 5. You come out from those crowds and leave your silly friends. I'm at the bar.'

'Bar? What the beep you think this is? There is no beeping bar here, bro. Am telling you, if you're at a bar, you had way too many drinks. Time to head home brother dear. Chop chop.'

'I'll chop your long ponytail off if you don't come out.'

'I'm telling you! I can't get out!'

'What the hell did you do now? Locked yourself in the washrooms?' Bulb heaved a sigh. 'Ok, hold on.'

The call disconnected. Nerdy looked at Layla, who was blinking in confusion.

'Err, Lulu? Was that who I think it was?'

'Ye, that was Rinka. Ummmmmm. Dunno what he been smoking.'


...................


'Marlboro.' Rinka lit up another one.

DM shook his head. 'Mate, whatever the brand. I'm sure they're all bad for you.'

Back to School 19

‘Layla,’ Nerdyy crouched down and put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Don’t cry, please.’

Layla’s head shot up. She glared at Nerdy. “I’m not crying! What do you think I am man?’

Nerdyy blinked. ‘Err, I think you’re a wonderful, sweet, triple chocolate raspberry scone with a heart of gold.’

Layla stared at him suspiciously then finally ceded. ‘Yes, I know. I’m 100% sweet.’

‘Everyone knows it. You’re too sweet to die, Lulu.’

‘What do you mean? That man poisoned us! You heard him! He is an ass…assa…assassin. I should have known it the first time I saw him, I had a feeling when I saw him outside that door!’

‘Yes, but the…Wait. What do you mean, saw him outside the door? There’s no way you could have seen him Diyah. We didn’t even know there was a door. Remember, you were even on the phone describing this place as...’ He didn’t finish his sentence as she suddenly lashed out at him and he lost his balance, falling back on the sand.

‘Er, ow? What was that for now?’ He rubbed his arm where she had punched him.

‘You’re not listening to meh! I meant that door at school!  Remember? We were trying to escape and that man was standing outside the door?’

Nerdyy racked his brain. ‘Ye…s. I think I remember. You will have to forgive me though, I wasn’t really paying attention, after, ahem, being shot at.’

‘Stop bringing that up, making me feel bad. If you say it one more time, I’ll...ahm…I’ll…shoot you.’

Nerdyy burst out laughing.

‘What’s so funny now?’ Layla started giggling also.

‘Oh, Diyah.’  He calmed himself. ‘So you saw this man at the campus.’ He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully.

‘Yup. And that’s why I should have known it was him the next time I saw him! I’m so daft. I knew I saw him somewhere before and I couldn’t figure it out.’

‘You’re losing me now. What, when?’

‘Oh. You fell of the table. The DJ! In the club. This man has been following us, am 100% sure!’

‘Hmm.’ Nerdyy was a bit bewildered. ‘But why?’

‘Oh come on. He must be after my Beedi company! It’s so obvious!’

Nerdyy stared at Layla to see if she was serious. She stared back resolutely. She was serious.

‘Then why is he asking about IQ?’ Nerdyy asked.

‘He must be after her too! He’s going to kidnap all of us and hold us for ransom!’

‘But Diyah. Ransom for what? Ransom from who? Noone is going to pay money to free all of us..’  Nerdy stopped as Layla shook her head.

‘My bro will.’

‘Your brother?’ Nerdy blinked again. ‘Sure, I can understand why he’d want to get you out. But why on earth would your brother care about me or IQ?’

‘My bro!’

‘Your bro…’

‘Rinka!’