Vulnerability

There is something to be said about loneliness. That, in itself, allows us to somehow be ourselves. Not that we're not us when we aren't alone. But the remoteness, somehow it allows us to hear ourselves, not just our thoughts, but even our own heartbeats. In that moment when we are alone, that is when the isolation changes into a mirror to reflect the scope of our mind's eye beyond the horizon and deep out into the stars. We step forward into that portal which opens out into so many doorways, a plethora of options that lead into futility, trauma, anguish, serenity, hope...a spectrum beyond our capacity to understand.

Love, was it just an emotion? Not only just an emotion, but one that opens into many. It could be no surprise then, once we open ourselves to the state that we sign away our sanity. The inability of the word, the state, the function, the purpose, to be defined, how then could we be able to trace the ways it controls us and exploits us, turns our emotions inside out. We become vulnerable. Was it then such a far stretch that it would crash over our heads with so many emotions? Anger, distress, hurt, ecstasy, contentment, hope.

And so it is we step back into the other side of the mirror; where did it all start and where does it end?

On Vulnerability

When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” -- Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

“When two people respect each other, the ability to be vulnerable and to reveal hurt feelings can create a powerful emotional connection that is the source of real intimacy and friendship.” ― David Burns

“And may be that was love. Being so vulnerable and allowing someone else in so far they could hurt you, but they also give you everything.” ― Christine Feehan, Water Bound


And hey - it's snowing :) ( I mean really snowing, outside, for real!)

POM

Calculus & Cranes

‘ It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.’’

- Albert Einstein.

Today's apt Quote of the Day. Well to be honest, I'm sure any quote of the day would somehow feel apt, it's just that my mind is always churning away and it could snag in any and every stray topic that's out there and make it feel like that's exactly what I've been thinking. Which reminds me of the so-called accuracy of the daily horoscope in the newspaper, how often we'd read what's written for us and nod to ourselves, so true, so true.

But I digress. The QOTD feels apt enough because it is personally true. If I am presented with a problem I chew away at it like a rabid squirrel, until I've burrowed down to the solution. Well...considering that rabid squirrels are more or less not really right in their minds, never mind rabid anything, perhaps that analogy was a bit off. But you know what I mean.

Take for example, one of the reasons why this quote in particular had me smiling to myself. Yesterday I suddenly felt like making a paper crane. You know the thing; the origami birds. Don't ask my why I felt like making a paper crane, because I honestly could not tell you, nevertheless I felt like making a paper crane. 

So I got myself a scrap sheet of paper, and started. Making paper cranes is something I've been able to do almost asleep, having learnt it when I was in elementary school (when I was elected to teach the younger 'uns, mind you). But for some reason, I got stuck at a specific fold. I could not remember how to make a paper crane. 

Now, most people, normal people, we might say, would in all probability, just give it up as a job gone bad. I mean, yeah it's not a big deal, just a scrap of paper and a bunch of folding, then what? Ya toss da ol' bardie in da bin yeah. And that's that. No that's not that, I have to figure it out.

That's how I am. I worry away at the problem, and I aim to get to the solution. So I googled the darn instructions after messing about with the little scrap of paper, stubbornly refusing to give up. In the process I apparently was ignoring my best friend who was talking to me while I was wrestling with my paper. After I got the bird made (which I will have you know took just a few minutes), he'd laughed at my 'focus'. (Not laughing in a bad way, I know I know. Calm yourself.)

But yeah. That's the way I roll. I was remembering Calculus in high school and being able to work at the problems until I was literally able to solve them asleep. And the reason I say literally, is because I really did. The final exam was first thing in the morning, and I had not slept one wink, because if I do remember right, I had another exam later that day, so yeah, you know how that is. 

Anyways, that morning I went into the room (and let me tell you how accurate my memory is, if I were back in that building I could lead you right to the exact room the exam was in), and I sat at my desk. I somehow forgot to bring a pencil, and the pencil that was lent to me had a broken nub. In any case, I just wrote the exam in pen. Now, the important bit to remember is that I fell asleep during the exam. Might have been a problem except that as I told you, I was able to solve the problems in my sleep.  So that was fine then. I got myself a perfect paper (Lying no, but boasting, yes.)

It does not look like a scorpion.

Reminisce

I've been going through a lot of  my old blogs. Not those here, but on Lucid Iridescence, where I have posts going back as far as 2005.

 I'm not really sure why, today I read something that triggered a deep sadness, that although has been there for some time, the expression of what I read just sort of made me think. Sadness is somehow one of those great maps, it often allows us to delve within ourselves and think and ask questions we'd not consider when we are happy. But then again, sometimes it stems all ability to see, it fogs and clouds our senses so that we're as good as blind.

 I've always used writing to clear my mind; I started writing as a personal thing, - and I know I've said this before, nevertheless I reiterate -just being able to get down the why I am feeling what I am feeling, the sentiments, and then what I did was approach myself as I would my own best friend and cheer that other me up. That's how I started writing. Sometimes, you don't need to be a poet, or a writer. Just expressing what you  feel or think, whatever form it takes, is a start. That's what happened to me. Then, after I had it down I was able to detach from that emotion, because in essence it was like a piece of art that flowed from myself, as if I pulled out the emotion from my heart and it became a sculpture - and I circled it a few times and almost as if it were both a monument to what I felt and a gravestone, I was able to move on.

Not that easily, mind you. It took a lot from me to be able to open up and face what I didn't want to face. It might have taken even more to share it to the world - and not just strangers, but those I came face to face with in every day life.

I was looking at the archives on this blog here, and realized with a start that the number of posts I've written for November are quite few, compared to the other months. I was thinking that I've got a few days in the month left; I'll be able to write off several posts and therefore wouldn't be so short. Because I can't figure out what and why really I haven't been writing so much. There just seems to be this underlying sorrow that seems into everything and steals away warmth, smiles, words.

And this shouldn't be so. There should be something to cure this...maybe we all need to hold hands and skip around in a circle or do the macarena...or ..........Why are you all giving me those looks?

Believe

If you notice, I have a Quote widget on my blog. There are times when it's almost as if the widget is able to read my mood or thoughts; so often the daily quote hits the spot.

‘‘ Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.’’
-William James (1842 - 1910)

And, today is one of these days.  The bright sunlight, effervescent in it's strength and ever so much more accentuated by the frigid cold accompanying it.

I had recently wished a friend for her birthday, and she said something along the lines of 'celebrating dying', and I made a remark about how she had such an optimistic way of looking at things. (Obviously accompanied by the requisite eye-rolling.) and she said that she's just very realistic, we are dying.

I agree. But there's something too pessimistic and final about that kind of thinking, to my thinking anyways. I prefer focussing on the fact that we're living, because there are so many ways of being able to actually live. Counting down the moments toward death does nothing other than give me the heeby-jeebies akin to frantically trying to answer the questions to a final exam when the invigilator has announced you've got just five minutes remaining and you're wondering how the hell can that be possible, didn't you just begin?

And I don't know about you, but I could do without the panic attacks.

But then she came out with a curve-ball of a perspective, that made me agree also, because although it wasn't new to my way of thinking, it was just something that gave me a mini-revelation.

"To me it helps to focus on dying cause then I remember that none of the silly-stuff that happens matter in the grand scheme of things."

And that's when I realized: we're both right. How can we both be right? Because that's just it - life is about balance. We have to keep remembering that we need to hold onto the little moments that make up life, those moments which take us forward, and allow us to cherish life, to be productive, that make it feel as if you're living. But then, at the same time, we need to allow ourselves to look forward at what and where we want to go, so that we can better weigh the things that are bothering us today and realize that they do not matter in the long run.

So what if someone else took your seat on the bus? So what if a friend said or did something that you don't like? In the long run what does it matter? Does it help you to dwell on the problem and sulk or rail against the unfairness of life? No. (Okay, maybe it helps to vent a bit, but that shouldn't last days or weeks, and it shouldn't mean that we're going to act like asses about it and become petty and bitter.)

I always think of faith as something you either do, or don't. There cannot be any grey. It's like jumping off a building - you either do, or you don't. You can't jump halfway. Faith is like that - even if you have the tiniest inkling of doubt, that's it; Sorry, you can't get what you want because you don't believe you will.

Sometimes, you get what you want and you realize that's not what you want anymore. And sometimes, you've gone on believing in what you want so much that one day you're left with only the confidence your belief has given you, but you've realized that you're doing just fine without what you started out wanting.

It's like telling yourself that Spring will be back in just a few months, and hey despite the warnings of the world coming to an end or global warming, we still believe it, because our internal calculator just does the statistics for us and supports our belief that Spring shall return. But in the meantime we've got this drastic cold winter, but that's okay because we have faith in Spring. So in that knowledge, we can allow ourselves to enjoy the first snowfall, to bundle up with our scarves and gloves, and enjoy the time we do have today.

I have always found that believing in that which you want is what makes the path towards what you want easier and smoother. You can't want something and believe that you'll never get it. That's like standing at the start of the race and not moving, and still wanting to reach the finish line first. And, if there is something I've learnt, most of the time, what we need to believe in isn't that far. What you need to believe in most is so close that you could poke it in the eye, and you'd go blind.

Black Friday

"You only grow up by living through the shit that life throws at you."
- Rachel's Holiday, Marian Keyes.

The context this was said totally made me sit up and take another read. It explained a lot, personally speaking. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm always a kid at heart. I even look way younger than I am.

"But whenever life threw problems at me, I just got out of it. So my emotions stayed stopped at twelve.”

Rachel's a drug addict and used this addiction to forget reality.  Not all of us are drug addicts, but I can say that we've all used our own way of getting out of life's problems. Some of us are workaholics, or maintain habits that reinforce our dependency on them - such as watching tv, or binging on food - simply because they allow us to avoid our problems, or avoid having to deal with them. In many cases, we pull away from the issue or pretend it isn't there. We avoid the people who would make us face it, and often times this leads to broken relations, and us becoming even more dependent on our habit, because it provides us a comfort of some kind. This revelation is one that makes me understand why I am still that much a child.

Then, there are those times when I feel so absolutely ancient. When life has thrown so much that you've become a pro at hitting home runs (or 6s, for the cricket-inclined), and you've lived and learnt so much.

A big lesson that I've learnt, in how life becomes so much easier, is to forget about "What about me?" And trust me, this is one of the hardest lessons to learn, because at the same time we need to ensure that we're not allowing ourselves to be become doormats or spare tires. But overall, there comes a point when you need to let go of the element "me", and rather than hold expectations about what you are getting, you should focus on what you can give. Not literally speaking of course, in case any of you are taking stock of your inventory.


Your life didn’t suddenly fall apart. You dropped it.”

Attachment

A few weeks ago, I'm not entirely sure when, I was standing at the curb waiting for the bus. The oncoming traffic was strangely busy for that time of the morning, and as I stood there, vehicle after vehicle came speeding by - mere inches away from me.

And I thought, or rather realized, that I hardly even thought twice about this, hadn't even blinked at the fact that all it took was a few inches and I could have been knocked to my death. This is something that branched out into two trains of thought, one of which was about fear.

I sometimes wonder if my "fear gene" has been disabled. In many situations when a person would feel fear, I hardly blink. One example of this was one night when I was walking home in the dark, the street lamps providing very little light, and suddenly racing at me at full speed was this huge, and I mean huge, big black wolfish dog with teeth bared. The weirdest thing was I just looked at him sort of bored and kept walking. And that just confused him into wagging his tail shamefaced. But it didn't even raise a single alert when, after I realized what I'd just did, I realized I should have felt some sort of fear.

One of the things I do tell myself often is to live as if I don't have that "fear gene". To live fearlessly. I get weak knees at high heights, and also with deep waters. For the first, I've persuaded myself to go on every roller coaster and amusement park ride in one night. The latter, I've jumped into the deep end without thinking and surprised everyone when I easily surfaced after swimming the entire length.

I'm not sure if I can rightly say that I've molded myself into this mindset, or if this is something that's just happened to me. I don't think of superficial things as so important that I get (overly) stressed, anxious or scared. My problem is that all my fear is focussed into one category - that's in my attachment to people.

For as long as I can remember, the one thing I've always been scared of is losing the people I love or care for. I know this isn't me, and is something that's common for many.I think this might be deeply entrenched into my psyche, because sometimes I get panic attacks and sink into a depression that I can't begin to explain.

On one hand I am fiercely independent, and enjoy solitude. On the other hand, when I form attachments they go deep. When I really care about someone, it's so very hard to extricate that attachment from a level of need. I might attribute this to having lost so many people who have been close to me since I was a small child. In one of my bitter moments I categorized the ways I have lost these people: Death, Deception, Distance and D...there is another D category which I cannot remember right now as I type but I will think about it and try to recall.

If I do have any insecurity, I think it would be in this, losing the people I love. I get hurt so easily just from a friend showing some coldness, or losing someone and not knowing why. It eats at me from inside out, and it often makes me wonder why I haven't been able to reform myself into that island that doesn't have attachment.

Prayer

Every morning, when I get out of the shower, I peek through my window blinds to check what the sky is like. Yesterday was one of those wonderful mornings when the sun was totally out. Walking out into that quiet morning was one of those moments of bliss that send ripples of pleasure from head to toe. While I was standing at the bus stop, and feeling the sun just enfold me in its warmth, I was amazed to feel how much heat I was really feeling despite it being a really frigidly cold morning. I almost sighed loudly with the pleasure and I found myself thinking messages of gratitude to the sun.

That's when I started considering how easy it becomes to understand how religion begins. So far back in history began sun-worship, prayers to Surya, or the Egyptian Ra, or the Native Indian's Sun spirit. The gratitude for a divinity for what it gives us - warmth, heat, light. Despite these elements being inanimate or abstract - scientifically speaking - we have developed a sense of personification in these elements.

One might question: can we give gratitude to something that does not perceive it? Well, similarly, we show angst at bad weather, or kick a stone and show anger at it for having tripped us up, or even more frequent - mutter curses at our computer....so why not?

Our ability to demonstrate a reaction, or an emotion is not only arbitrated by the reception of it. We react because we can. We feel because we can. We demonstrate pleasure and displeasure regardless if it is toward a person, a situation, or an inanimate object. Our ability to do so is what allows us to be.

So perhaps, our habit of demonstrating thanks to some ambiguous superpower isn't so much about our gratitude or prayers being heard, but actually about having been said.

This reminds me of a quote I stumbled over a long time ago:

And this reminds me of something Kiara (a-shared-thought.blogspot.com) wrote, something along the lines of...when we pray we aren't given the answer to the prayer right away but rather, we're given the opportunity to achieve what we asked for. And I think that this is what prayer itself does, in its own fashion - it guides us. Not just in the tentative idea that there is a superpower to hear us, but that we can hear ourselves. For us to understand what it is that we are feeling, what we want. Sometimes we might think we want something, and it isn't really defined. But once we put it into something resembling a request, that's when we can really consider the consequences, repercussions of what we want. It's sort of a blueprint for the house we want, or map towards where we want to go.  When we know where we want to go, that's when we can make better preparation towards getting there.

When we express gratitude, whether acknowledged or not, that demonstration allows us  to understand what it is that we do take pleasure in, what we like, and this is how we become more aware of who we are. It's sometimes the very smallest things which make us understand this, just like a step out in the morning, waiting for the bus.

DST

I used to detest Daylight's Saving Time changes. For the life of me, however, I cannot really remember why. Prior to November 4th, I remember telling people "Oh no, DST ends on Sunday. We're going to be in the DARK AGES again!"

But, come Sunday, that is so not the case. I have been in love with the mornings. Walking up into sunlight and walking out into the sunshine, even when it was really cold, I still love(d) the mornings as long as the sun was peeking out.

Now it's like Spring all over again. Spring in November, can you fathom that? It's absolutely click-your-heels-in-the-air magical. I know, I know, it isn't going to last. But then again, when does it ever last? Like I was saying, indirectly, in my last post, things are constantly changing. And now, because it had been so eeking cold bordering on "Oh no, winter is coming whimper whimper", I am so entirely prepared to love this bout of warm weather. Now that's called relativity.

As I write this, I look out the window again. And guess what? Isn't it typical that the sun has gone back in hiding, and the entire sky is a thick blanket of woolly grey again? This is the grey that sets into the bones and instills that ah no life is bleak mentality. But that cannot take away the little whispers of wind that come and tickle your earlobes, and caress your cheeks warmly; the memory lingers exuberantly like the traces of a loving kiss that sends a thrill through you every time you think of it.

It gives you a reason to smile. It certainly gives me that much more of a sparkle.

Sometimes

‘Sometimes’ is one of my favourite words.  I’ve noticed this from the thoughts I have, the words I write. Perhaps you’ve noticed it as well. I’m starting this out without knowing where I’m going to end up – what you’re seeing is the process of thought.

I am not sure why ‘sometimes’ is a favourite word.  Sometimes is not all the time, occasionally, from time to time. My use of the word expresses variability. We already know things happen sometimes, and not all the time. Is the use of the word redundant?

Some of the time – In living itself we are faced with what’s usually a duality of thought. Duality is just the very basis of course, it can break apart into many sectors, and as such, we explore and experience a multitude of thoughts and opinions, alternating, deviating, and changing into others. Similarly the situations we find ourselves in fluctuate.

I think the word itself represents one of the key aspects of life which renders life itself so magnificent – the way it differentiates. A constancy that would divest life itself of its beauty. Imagine the implications of the weather always, for example, 20 degrees Celsius with blue skies and partly cloudy. Or the constancy of the state of a person’s mind if they were only just always ‘okay’ – the very essence of variability translates into some of the most fundamental keys into human interaction.

Sometimes; this means not all the time. There are times when we may be more open to a certain idea than others, and there may be some instances that prove to be the exception to the rule.  

Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad – this is something that we all know; yet the universality of this knowledge does not mean we should take it for granted, does it? When we can break the whole down to the very basics, sometimes this allows us to better accept the whole.

Sometimes we are having the very worst day, and another day after, the absence of those negative factors which contributed to that horrible day allows us to appreciate what would otherwise constitute a rather boring day. Relativity.

I have always, usually, used this relativity to come to terms with a certain experience; a comparison of an appreciation for happiness after experiencing sad. Sometimes, I find myself thinking to myself, in wonder and gratitude:  all the sorrows of yesterday have made today all the more worth it all.

Biking

Life. In the midst of all the waves, the storms, the conflux of emotions, we tend to look forward to that moment when it all settles and so that we can, in peace, live. And we forget, that this in all it's movement is life itself.

"Enjoy these moments" - an offhand comment that made me start thinking. Even when we are reminiscing, missing past moments, aching or longing for something else, or even down in the dumps, sometimes that's what makes it all so more special.

Life, bereft of its struggle couldn't be as fulfilling. We need that hill to climb so that we know we have a purpose. Sometimes we need a slap in order to appreciate a hug. Sometimes we need to fight in order to appreciate and understand affection. Sometimes we need to look ourselves in the mirror to understand what it is who we really are.

One squeezes a sponge to see what it contains. An orange can look enticing from the outside but once squeezed can we know how sweet or sour that juice really tastes. Likewise, do I like what comes out of me when under pressure?

Serenity. Give me the ability to take both good and bad in stride, for bad not overcome and tempt me onto its path when the wind blows in the wrong direction.

Patience. To be able to endure, and not fall to pieces when the wind wind blows stale.

Strength. To emerge and overcome, and not blow away when the wind blows too hard.

Sometimes we think we have it already, that we've already been able to scale the steepest mountain, and we've become all the more stronger for the experience. Then life gives you a mountain face that's entirely vertical, and somehow you're hanging from your fingertips, and that's when you learn, there's still more to go.

I have found that most of my personal growth has been through hardship. I rode off down the hill without a problem the very first time I sat on a bike. I didn't even worry about training wheels, or kneepads, nor helmet. I walked my first pink and white bike up the hill (which looked quite high at that young age) and just went for it. I didn't fall once, and I had kept riding until my cousin had to run after me before I disappeared on the horizon.

This is a lesson that stays on my mind even until now. I had learnt that when you need to do something, just do it and don't worry about what may or may not happen. But what this also taught me was that I wasn't prepared, for the times I rode into a bush, or into that parked car, or fell over and grazed my hands and knees. Those were the times when I learnt what I should not do, and how to prevent it from happening again.

Every time I thought the waves had crashed over me and I was doomed to drown, somehow I found myself able to float. I have learnt so much about myself just through the times I have suffered. The times a friend proved to be less of one, or the times a love wasn't what it seemed.

Taking off without a fear is one thing - sometimes you take for granted the things that you already have when it's going so well. I've learnt that sometimes the bike you're on isn't reliable. You learn to know what is good for you, and what isn't. Sometimes the path is strewed with obstacles, you need to learn how to maneuver past these. Sometimes, the weather is not right, and you learn to gauge when it is the right time, place and occasion. You may have your eyes just focussed on the horizon and not see that where you are isn't going to get you there. And you need to have a good sense of balance. If you don't keep your head up, and learn to steady yourself, you certainly won't get far.

Sometimes I love the way I sound. I think I sound so smart and sensible, then I bump into another bike rider, who on the trip down the path, or during a mishap when we crash against each other, makes me realize there are things about myself I don't really like and that there is a lot more I need to work on.

Sometimes even when you don't like the brambles and thorns that scratch and get at you while you're travelling that road, you understand sometimes, even when you're hurting or in pain, this itself is an experience that one day you can look back on for having gotten past, and understand that these are all the moments which make up life.

Out, Out, Brief Candle

Phew.

It's Friday. It almost seems as if the entire week was one breathe all held back...until now. Now I can breathe.

I'm not sure if it's just been the past week, or the past month, now all the days seem to have blurred together and was a chaotic mix of emotions, weather, illness, and stress.  In the back of my mind these days, when I step out and the wind blasts frigidly against my face, I damn the spectre of Winter and long to Summer how I miss her.

Well, it actually hasn't been that bad, I actually love stepping out in the mornings, at least while the sun is somewhat there. What I really dread is waking up in the dark, cold mornings without a hint of hope that life exists out there in the world. When coldness seeps through the outer boundaries of the bed and sneaks slyly under the blankets. When it curls its fingers around the windowsill and fits in between the panes of glass.

I'm a weakling when it comes to cold. Sometimes I have face the option of becoming absolutely delusional in order to cope and survive with the cold. I used to boast to my friends that I'm not cold, all I have to do is imagine a hot tropical breeze and that's it - I'm not cold.

And now I'm here with mixed blessings. It's the end of the work-week, and yet Sunday is daylight's saving. To be catapulted into the darkness of winter. Oh, woe, is me!