Monday, November 19, 2012

Attachment

A few weeks ago, I'm not entirely sure when, I was standing at the curb waiting for the bus. The oncoming traffic was strangely busy for that time of the morning, and as I stood there, vehicle after vehicle came speeding by - mere inches away from me.

And I thought, or rather realized, that I hardly even thought twice about this, hadn't even blinked at the fact that all it took was a few inches and I could have been knocked to my death. This is something that branched out into two trains of thought, one of which was about fear.

I sometimes wonder if my "fear gene" has been disabled. In many situations when a person would feel fear, I hardly blink. One example of this was one night when I was walking home in the dark, the street lamps providing very little light, and suddenly racing at me at full speed was this huge, and I mean huge, big black wolfish dog with teeth bared. The weirdest thing was I just looked at him sort of bored and kept walking. And that just confused him into wagging his tail shamefaced. But it didn't even raise a single alert when, after I realized what I'd just did, I realized I should have felt some sort of fear.

One of the things I do tell myself often is to live as if I don't have that "fear gene". To live fearlessly. I get weak knees at high heights, and also with deep waters. For the first, I've persuaded myself to go on every roller coaster and amusement park ride in one night. The latter, I've jumped into the deep end without thinking and surprised everyone when I easily surfaced after swimming the entire length.

I'm not sure if I can rightly say that I've molded myself into this mindset, or if this is something that's just happened to me. I don't think of superficial things as so important that I get (overly) stressed, anxious or scared. My problem is that all my fear is focussed into one category - that's in my attachment to people.

For as long as I can remember, the one thing I've always been scared of is losing the people I love or care for. I know this isn't me, and is something that's common for many.I think this might be deeply entrenched into my psyche, because sometimes I get panic attacks and sink into a depression that I can't begin to explain.

On one hand I am fiercely independent, and enjoy solitude. On the other hand, when I form attachments they go deep. When I really care about someone, it's so very hard to extricate that attachment from a level of need. I might attribute this to having lost so many people who have been close to me since I was a small child. In one of my bitter moments I categorized the ways I have lost these people: Death, Deception, Distance and D...there is another D category which I cannot remember right now as I type but I will think about it and try to recall.

If I do have any insecurity, I think it would be in this, losing the people I love. I get hurt so easily just from a friend showing some coldness, or losing someone and not knowing why. It eats at me from inside out, and it often makes me wonder why I haven't been able to reform myself into that island that doesn't have attachment.

14 comments:

  1. Like you, I feel myself being fearless many times. (But an exception would be your dog situation, I'm terrified of dogs, I can't believe you survived that)

    And it really really hurts to lose people, and sometimes I fear attachment because of this.

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    1. Hehe, the funny thing is that this morning on the bus coming to work, I was sleeping and I was awoken by this sense of a weight on my left foot, and I woke up and saw a bigggggggg black lab panting away gleefully at me with its big brown eyes:D The cute thing was that it seemed SO courteous hehe and nudged itself from my foot where its leg was resting :D

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    2. And yes. I think the fear is so much more deep because of the years of hurt when I DID lose people. I've diminished the quantity of people I do get close to, the problem is that beause of this, when I do... it's so much more stronger an attachment. And then so much harder..

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    3. ...in a previous birth i was a big black lab :D

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  2. dogs (especially fear inducing ones that inexplicable come near you and start wagging their tail like you're their best friend) are totally adorable:P

    i've conditioned myself to have people grow distant and eventually losing them ...so everytime it happens i'm like ehh this is what was supposed to happen anyway :)

    ...plus i love being alone :D ... but I definitely understand Miss HMK (high maintenance kuri LOL) and her viewpoint :P

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    1. Hahahaha @ HMK.. ahem. I absolutely love being alone too, I just don't like losing part of myself... especially when I'm picky about who I really let become close to me/ part of me.

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  3. Maturity and the ability to live on your own makes one strong from inside and eventually, we don't fear small things which we once used to fear. But the same thing also increases the attachment to people either we are too far away or close to someone or D....there is another D category which I cannot remember right now as I type but I will think about it and try to recall.

    I also get easily attached and then again it becomes so easy for the people whom I think are close to just let me go. And that hurts. So, that made me like being alone more. In that case, we don't have to rely on others and probably makes us stronger from inside, kind of- sort of, or may be much weaker. But being independent means that we can take care of ourselves without others need. So, that makes us stronger in a way. :]

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    1. Yes, without a question we become stronger. But then there are two elements to being stronger, alone and not being dependent; and then being stronger WITH that element of interaction because that's how nature is. I think in writing, and opening up, about these inner fears and insecurities... then only can I know what I need to overcome.

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  4. I feel the exact same way Miss.IQ but I am terrified of certain bugs and they do instil "fear" in me :P

    However I also agree with what Guru ji said...

    and I love my space........ the solitude...... the peace......... aha ...... =]

    LOL@ Miss.HMK

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    1. Hehe, I know that's what I'm there for na.. :P. I put on my shining armour and protect you from the bugs.

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    2. :O you need an armour? You're the sort who would stay calm n go on with whatever you're doing even if a lil beady eyed mouse came n sat beside you :B ( no Guru ji, not you.. this is in the literal sense :P )

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    3. Mr. Literal! As in your Knight in Shining Armour.

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  5. Time has taught me to let go of people from vicinity to distance, I have lost too many that way to worry about. Still, when someone leave the world itself, it is different. An empty chair which is left empty for ever is indeed an emptiness. I am afraid of them.

    Being a piscean, fear is a feeling I live with every day, so it affects lesser and lesser as I go ahead with time. Perhaps the softest mud when baked in nerdyy's fire become the hardest brick.

    :P

    sooooo, i don't know... not feeling like giving another 'baba' line.

    sooooooooo
    chak de phateeeee , mast rahiyo...

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    1. A empty chair left empty forever, see the thing is that's not just literally physical for me, it's as if that chair remains empty in my heart. Not always though, because eventually I do come to terms with it, albeit resignedly.

      And yeah, its okay a baba type line isn't really needed now :D Thanks Eths.

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