For our dearest IQ, From the Omega Orphans =]

This one's all for you =] You sweet, sweet Insaan!!!! Please don't kill me *runs and hides behind Guru ji* =]

:D

Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself: 6

6.  I am making my time count.

Time is the most valuable constituent of life.  Make the time for what does matter today.  Really being in the moment, finding passion in your life, seeing the world and traveling, or just seeing the world that’s around you right now, being with great people, doing amazing things, eating amazing food and savoring life’s little pleasures.

"Choti choti khushiyan" as most of us hindi/urdu speaking folks refer to it. The little happinesses of our life, they matter don't they? It's all the little things put together that make it all. I'd say that I haven't always made my time count, there are phases where I let time just slip out of my hands, and it may have seemed all for no good - but here I am now, and I'm able to look back and think, I mean, I did love the world and nature, but there were certain things I don't like that I did at that time, I'm learning from it today. Through it all, the one constant has always been striving to live in this moment. Sometimes doing that has made me put other things on the backburner, and maybe I shouldn't have, i.e. procrastinating, but I still try my best. I'm proud of the fact that I can actually appreciate things and what I've got, even if it's just a ray of sunshine.

Remember, your time is priceless, but it’s free. You can’t own it, but you can use it.  You can spend it, but you can’t keep it.  Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.  You really do only have a short period to live.  So let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words.  Make your time count!

I've had two favourite dialogues from two favourite hindi movies since ever. One is "No byes Rhea, kyunki yeh zindagi bahut lambi hai" (No byes Rhea, because life is very long) and the other is "Kya pata, kal ho na ho" (Who knows, if tomorrow will come or not). The fact that they seem so at odds with one another, almost contradictory, does not go past my notice. I've always ruminated on this idea of two different ideas that are both so true, and yet so conflicting. Two truths don't make a lie, do they? The fact that they seem disparate shouldn't mean that one is more true than the other. I think it just reflects on the essence of life itself, that everything needs to be balanced.

To My Comrades in Pain

Miss Blog-Pain,

thanks for your brattiful love.

Mr. ToothPain

Please please learn to brush your teeth.

Mr. SusuPain (LOL)

Uhmm yes, wash your hands twice. Three times if you can manage. :)

For your appreciation, concern and apples 

Thank you =]

Passion

"My friend is a stranger, someone I do not know.
A stranger far, far away
For his sake my heart is full of disquiet
Because he is not with me…
Who are you who so fill my heart with your absence?"

By the power of serendipity I found this poem, and it touched me to the depths of my heart, resonating in the very strings of yearning that have throbbed, hummed, inspired, and moved me for years and years. Today of all days, to be able to discover such lines, after the tumult of emotions that have crashed on the shores like a battleground, is serenity.


A stranger far, far away

And yet so close. Almost as if, in a space unfilled, the vacancy was one of the eye alone, and not of the heart, at times it were as if someone, somehow was there at my side, and a faint lingering of scent would catch me unaware and I would freeze, assimilating and seeking out the answer to why I knew this unknown scent, why I knew the familiar comfort of this unfamiliar presence.


Who are you who so fill my heart with your absence?

Haunted by years of unspoken question, I begin to understand the answer. Incredible how so powerful an absence can fill the void of absence itself and instill a sense of closeness. A closeness to what, I've always wondered. Somehow in the tiny folds of time that interspersed every moment, I found recollections of a memory that had yet still to happen. How was this possible, my mind questioned my heart.

(:

Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself: 5

5.  I am growing in to the best version of me.

Judy Garland once said, “Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.”  Live by this statement.  There is no such thing as living in someone else’s shoes.  The only shoes you can occupy are your own.  If you aren’t being yourself, you aren’t truly living – you’re merely existing.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't just be anyone else. Despite people mistaking me for someone else (cough cough) and my ability to understand others so well as to act like them (cough cough). I absolutely love being me. The sensation somewhat akin to wearing your absolutely favourite outfit; that's how I feel being inside my body, and thinking my own thoughts. 

Remember, trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  Improve continuously, take care of your body and health, and surround yourself with positivity.  Become the best version of you.

There will be those times when you're sad, and likewise, those times when you're happy, but at the root of it all - there's that joy that it's all YOU. There are things only you can do, and not a single other soul could be able to think and do things which are so entirely you. You might not be good at many things, or you might think you simply suck at everything, but you know what, that's really not true. There is something about you that no one else can be - that's you.

 I'm not the best at doing a lot of things, but I try, and it's the joy of trying and learning new things and experiencing that makes me feel like I am living. Sometimes, really, it isn't the result, it's the experience of getting there. There are things I might want, and not get, and I'm learning to accept that. There are things that I get, and never expected, and I am learning to appreciate them. I'm learning where I go wrong when things go wrong. And I'm learning that you're never more right than when you learn from where you go wrong.  I'm learning, not just how to do things better, but how to be a better me. 

Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself: 4

4.  I am happy and grateful.

Goooood morning world! I can definitely tell you that today I am extremely happy and grateful. :D I woke up late, and had to rush, but I definitely woke up feeling awake. That's a feeling worth feeling!

Happiness is within you, in your way of thinking.  How you view yourself and your world are mindful choices and habits.  The lens you choose to view everything through determines how you feel about yourself and everything that happens around you.

If there is anything I have learnt, it's that I hold onto the decisions of being happy and being sad. There are times you feel that it just happens regardless of how much you try, and of course it does, we don't just press a happy button or flick a switch, although at times, I know it seems that way. But usually, our state of mind is about how made up we are about our minds. We hold onto sadness or anxiety because we continuously dwell on that issue, or refuse to let go of whatever it is. I'm an annoying optimist at times, and it's so like trying to push an inflated balloon under water and keep it there, it just keeps bobbing up. However, when I do get sad, it's like that balloon has been popped, and I drown. When that happens, I tend to have to pull my pieces together again, and I try to reach for air again. Because, even while I am drowning, I know that there IS air to breathe just there at my fingertips - all I have to do is try. 

We hold onto these little things that pull us down, and its usually in hindsight that we recognize that these things are not, or were not, important. How does one let things go, though? I'm not sure how to explain it really. It's just believing that things will work out, that whatever you do have thus far is plenty - and more than others have. If it's worthwhile, it will remain and work out.

Being grateful will always make you happy.  If you’re finding it hard to be grateful for anything, sit down close your eyes and take a long slow breath and be grateful for oxygen.  Every breath you take is in sync with someone’s last.

As I've mentioned before a few times, I often just think of the little happinesses in life. A ray of sunshine, a refreshing drink, an inside joke with a great friend. Just one little thing that could be so much. I often think to myself, what the hell are you moping for? You have so much more than others have. Some don't even get the chance to feel or dream or wish for something else. You're lucky that you can. Don't dwell on negativity, because you're giving it power when you do, and that's what makes it stronger. When you think positive, it's amazing how much easier things become.

89 Posts !! Yayy !! Congratulations =]

                                    and........................Happy 16th August *Wink* ^^

Things Your Should Be Able To Say About Yourself: 3

3.  I am making a difference.
Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.

Is it true that we all live to serve?  That by helping others we fulfill our own destiny?  The answer is a simple ‘yes.’  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.

Of course, this doesn't mean we always put others before ourselves, we shouldn't deny ourselves our sense of dignity and comfort with living with oneselves. But it's really true; when I do something that makes someone smile, I feel that my day has been worthwhile. I'm not sure where it stems from, but from a very young age, I was aware of this. Perhaps it's just attributable to the kind of person I am, I'm very sensitive to emotions, not just my own, and part of being an empath, and as I am told, a healer, I have this inner desire to actually help other people and strange enough, a instinct to actually heal. 

I remember one fuzzy memory when I was about 5 years old, and this was during the aftermath of a life-changing event, and our family were moving, and before I knew it I was told that I would be going to a new school. It's simultaneously vague and distinct, my remembering this. There was a girl who I had befriended, she was new I guess, and I believe she was from Russia or something. I don't really know, because, at that age, I didn't know then, obviously. But I felt this sense of "Oh no, what will happen to her, I am leaving her behind" and strong sense of protectiveness and responsibility. So I did what 5 year olds do best. I made her a goodbye gift. It was a bracelet made out of string and pop-can tabs. I wrapped it in newspaper and taped it together. When my father drove us to school to say goodbye, I walked up those steps in my fat snowsuit and said goodbye to the whole class, then gifted it to her.  To be honest, she looked a little like "Wtf  is this old thing?" but still, I felt glad. 

I don't know why I'm sharing that memory in particular with this topic, but that's actually one memory I've held close for a very long time, and somehow I feel it's one of the landmarks as my first "altruistic" act, of many that I have done. It goes back to the last post, being proud of who I am, and I feel truly good when I do try to make someone smile, or feel better, and without this, I don't think I'd be half as glad being myself. 

You are only one, but you are one.  You cannot do everything, but you can do something.  Smile and enjoy the fact that you made a difference – one you’ll likely remember forever.

Often, what we do might go unnoticed. We feel a lack of acknowledgement and accordingly we may stop. I like to know that someone smiled, or laughed, or felt somewhat nicer about themselves because of something I did. I don't need the thanks or gratitude that comes from whatever crazy thing I mightve done, I just like knowing it did what it should have. This is one thing that has always occurred to me, that in selflessness there is the greatest amount of selfishness. If making other people happy makes me happy, and that's selfish, then that just goes to show, it's okay to be selfish once in awhile.

Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself : 2

2.  I am proud of myself.

You are your own best friend and your own biggest critic.  Regardless of the opinions of others, at the end of the day the only reflection staring back at you in the mirror is your own.  Accept everything about yourself – EVERYTHING!  You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.

It's true, I am me, and I am very proud to be me. I'm a little conceited in a self-preservation way, but then again, I usually just show it with people who need to be told off, or jokingly with the people who really know and understand me. There are times, though - I will be honest - that I feel that I don't know who I am, or I don't like myself. Obviously that's when I'm in an extremely low mood, and I'm stuck in a pit of gloom. I understand that much about myself.  I am me, but sometimes I need to apologize for me, because, and despite my supercool act of perfection, I'm not perfect. 

I think underneath it all, I'm so proud of myself, I get carried away and that's when I learn that I have so much more to learn. That's where the apology aspect comes in. I'm not apologizing for being me, I am apologizing for my behaviour, which stems from my thoughts and therefore is still part of me. 

See, I am totally my best friend and I'd say biggest critic, ... but I can think of someone else who can do that job, and does. :p But yeah, I know when to examine myself for flaws. Not always, but I'm open to the idea that I need to. Sometimes emotions get in the way (when don't they?), and I find myself reacting in ways I shouldn't or in ways I don't understand why. But I do try to do everything with a good heart, and I can proudly say I'm learning. 

People who are proud of themselves tend to have passions in life, feel content and set good examples for others.  It requires envisioning the person you would like to become and making your best efforts to grow.

During a conversation yesterday, the idea that "you cannot truly and completely love someone else until you love yourself" came out. On an aside, it's ironic, because later on last night, I somehow came across an image with that quote (not verbatim). I'm proud of myself, and part of being proud of myself is being able to become a person of strength and pride for those closest to my heart. 

 

Being proud isn’t bragging about how great you are; it’s more like quietly knowing that you’re worth a lot.  It’s not about thinking you’re perfect – because nobody is – but knowing that you’re worthy of being loved and accepted.  All you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life.  Be proud, be confident, you never know who has been looking at you wishing they were you.

Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself: 1

Good morning world! I thought it was actually almost cold last night, and this morning I wanted to just curl back up in my blanket in the grey chilly morning. Since work beckoned, I grudgingly got out, showered, brushed, and told myself if I can't have my blankie then I'll have the next best thing. I dressed myself in comfortable cotton sweat pants, tshirt, and hoodie. Bliss.

Admittedly, I might actually be overdressed now. The sun is up and it's hard to believe that it actually was cold earlier on. But..oh well. I'm all snuggly, and therefore happy.

Anyways, today I did not feel like blogging again, I'm not quite sure where this writing lethargy is coming from. I mean, I wanted to, but I just was like ........ yeah more of the same "........".

What do I feel like doing? I feel like....dancing. Just letting go and feeling that magic and satisfaction of exact choreography. I feel like reading. Curling up with a really good book. Nowadays, I don't feel like reading a book without my newly enlisted reading buddy though. I mean, I do read, but I get restless again. I can't put my finger on the source nor the cure for this. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sad. I'm incredibly content with  life as it is.

So, onto what spurred me into writing. Here I was, first thing in the morning, tending to the regular Monday morning protocol, and somehow I find this webpage regarding 12 Things You Should Be Able To Say About Yourself. Now I've got fodder to chew on, and will be going through these points post by post. So here we go...

1.  I am following my heart and intuition.

Don’t be pushed by your problems.  Be led by your dreams.  Live the life you want to live.  Be the person you want to remember years from now.  Make decisions and act on them.  Make mistakes, fall and try again.  Even if you fall a thousand times, at least you won’t have to wonder what could have been.  At least you will know in your heart that you gave your dreams your best shot.

I think if there is anything that has got me where I am it's because of my almost persistent stubbornness to follow my heart. As far back as I can recall, I've always been holding onto my "Dare to dream!" credo like a lucky charm. I haven't been so great with making decisions and acting on them, and there are times I've definitely screwed up. One of my old friends once said to me that I am very good at helping other people, but not with helping myself. That is true. I tend to put others before me.
"Even if you fall a thousand times" is something that's so definitely what I have learnt. I have trained myself to live without fear - I try, but I can't say I've actually achieved this. But then again, we have fear instilled in us for a purpose. Our amygdalas would be another appendix if we learnt to ignore fear. It's our survival instinct. I have learnt that the things I fear most are losing the people closest to me. Materialistic things I could care less for. I have learnt that I learn best when I do make mistakes. Throughout my childhood, when I needed to memorize something, I would jump right into the deep end and try to reiterate whatever it was. I would often take sheets of blank paper and try to put down the content I needed memorized as well as I could from memory. Then I would compare it to the original and correct myself. I did this repetitively until I had it perfect. I learnt better when I remembered where I erred.

I've also learnt to laugh at myself when I do fall. Literally and figuratively. There are times when my sensitivity snags on the cloth of apathy and I don't do such a good job of letting go.

Each of us has a fire in our hearts burning for something. It’s our responsibility in life to find it and keep it lit. This is your life, and it’s a short one. Don’t let others extinguish your flame. Try what you want to try. Go where you want to go. Follow your own intuition. Dream with your eyes open until you know exactly what it looks like. Then do at least one thing every day to make it a reality.

The fire that's been burning in my heart, at times I felt it would consume me entirely. At times when it was too hot for the space it needed, I believed that maybe it didn't belong in my heart. Some times I felt I would never find what it burned for and often felt I would extinguish it myself. No matter what, how often I told myself that it was gone, somehow I couldn't truly ever let it go. I guess that's applicable to following my intuition. Even when I tried ignoring it, it showed up all over the place like a ghost that would not disappear.

And as you strive to achieve your goals, you can count on there being some fairly substantial disappointments along the way.  Don’t get discouraged, the road to your dreams may not be an easy one.  Think of these disappointments as challenges – tests of persistence and courage.  At the end of the road, more often than not, we regret what we didn’t do far more than what we did. 

I've always told myself that when things get tough I need to get tougher. If there was anything worth gaining, I needed to get over the obstacles to show that I deserved it. It would only be my fault alone if I gave up before trying. I've fallen so many times, I can't even tell. But when I look back at the stepping stones I've jumped and wobbled over precariously, I am so very thankful to see the path I've taken that's taken me to here.

Sallu

I've always oscillated between liking and not liking Salman Khan.

In general, I'm not too picky about celebrities, I tend to like them all - or to be more accurate, most of them. With Sallu, I wasn't ever one of those OMG gush gush SALLU fans. Post 90s, his acting isn't particularly spectacular, but I never really disliked him, per se. He jumps around like a joker most of the time, but then again, that's what he's like. It's part of why I've remained on the 'like' side of the oscillations more often than not. I like him off-screen more than I do on-screen.

Tonight, however, I learnt he's a talented painter, and witnessed it with my own eyes. And bloody hell, that's when my heart got totally won over. Yep, Sallu I'm on your bandwagon now man. *swoon*

For the Omega Orphans, from IS =]

Confessions of a Virgo

Yes, I admit it, I like clean.  But, c'mon! Who doesn't? It should be normal for people to like things clean.

I don't like admitting that I conform to the mold of what's classified as the "typical Virgo". I don't like conforming, period. I like being different and I like being unique. 

But, alas, it's true. I do like clean. I realized this quite emphatically yesterday evening, when I got home after a long day of work and travel. I relished the feel of being superbly scrubbingly satisfyingly clean after a scrubbingly satisfyingly good shower. I felt even better while doing the dishes, and afterwards, lazing out in luxury on my bed, stretching and feeling quite innervated with the joy of cleanliness.

Now, before you begin thinking I am indeed the nitpicking, fastidious, and fussy Virgo that those zodiac people like to outline, I beg you to take in the bigger picture. While I was stretching out on my bed, that very bed was unmade, there were clothes still on the bed, and I was sprawled upside down with my towel still on the pillows. 

Oopsie. Now I've done it. Now you're all thinking what a pig I must be. Am I a hypocrite? Oh, we're all hypocrites to a certain level.  

I mean, I love things organized and I do love things clean. If there is anything that's a turn off, it's someone with totally bad hygiene. Ugh.  But, I'm not a Hitler with things being perfectly orderly. (Although, I am refraining from pointing out someone who is...)

I love organizing things. One of my colleagues says, "I don't bother making things neat, because I know IQ will have an apoplectic attack and do it for me", which is true, because she doesn't even realize when things are messy. Recently, she was gone for 2 weeks on her vacation, when she returned, she returned to a big print out in capital letters, "KEEP THIS AREA CLEAN AT ALL TIMES, YES D THIS MEANS YOU." It goes without saying that within one day of her back, her desk and area was a catastrophe, and I don't know what it is, but each time I went by to talk to her, somehow without thinking, I'd tidy it up. 

I know, I know, I sound like I've got OCD. But it's normal, right? Not OCD - I mean, to have things neat. Ok, entropy aside. But it's not just me. It's not a fixation. But I don't mind acting as if it were. Take for instance, what she said, as quoted earlier, and I just hammed it up and then gasped - "Oh my GOD. Your floor mat is crooked! We need to fix this right NOW."

But yes, I like clean. 

10 Qs

1. What was the last thing you ate to satisfy a craving?

2. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

3. What was the last decision you had a hard time making?

4. What was the last thing to make you laugh?

5. Have you ever crawled through a window?

6. What do you admire about yourself today?

7. Where were you at midnight?

8. What color is your favorite hoodie?

9. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?

10. What song would you dedicate to you, if you were your special someone?

Happy Meow Day ^_^

Some Walks You Have To Take Alone

Part of me has died today. There is that panic as I search and search my mind anxiously seeking the answer, and that panic of not being able to answer, because there are no words. I don't know, I don't know. All I know is the pain. Inability to explain because I am drowning and I can't open my mouth to tell you lest the water floods through and I'm struggling to hold my head up and all I need is a hand but you keep your feet dry. I open my mouth, and I am sinking. The water drains away, and I blink my eyes to hold them back. The creaking of the door as it sways in the gusts of emotion, and hoping that that someone will fix it and let the light in. Instead, it slams shut, and in the darkness there is no hope for light. As much as I pull and pull, it's stuck. In the depths of black, I hear the soft sound of water dropping. It's filling up again and flooding. Up to my knees, up to my chin, and I am suffocating. I hear a sound at the door, and I try to call for help, and it leaves me. I swallow the hurt, and I choke. I diminish in the darkness. In the darkness there is no left and no right and no wrong. Who can tell when in the darkness I am all alone. Everything hurts, but I am alive. But part of me has died today. Part of me has died.

The Dreamer Thinker

I've done this Personality Test based on Jung and Briggs Myers a few times over the years, and the results have always been constant. I am INFP/INTP.

INFP: Introverted iNtuition Feeling Perceiving - The Dreamer/Visionary
INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginative, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

"Highly creative, artistic and spiritual, they can produce wonderful works of art, music and literature. INFPs are natural artists. They will find great satisfaction if they encourage and develop their artistic abilities. That doesn't mean that an INFP has to be a famous writer or painter in order to be content. Simply the act of "creating" will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP. An INFP should allow himself or herself some artistic outlet, because it will add enrichment and positive energy to their life." - INFP Personal Growth (The Personality Page)

"INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glassworld where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities."- INFP Profile (TypeLogic)

"Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time."- INFP - The Dreamer (Lifexplore)

I find this to be pretty accurate. It's me! And fellow INFPs are people I've always liked/related to: AA Milne, George Orwell, Shakespeare, Princess Diana, and fictionally, Anne of Green Gables.

Now, my secondary INTP means that I alternate between being a Feeling from INFP to a Thinker, INTP.

INTP: Introverted iNtuition Thinking Perceiving - The Thinker

INTPs are logical, individualistic, reserved, and very curious individuals. They focus on ideas, theories and the explanation of how things work. They are especially adept at discussions and debate. They have the ability to focus intently on a subject. They appreciate and respect intelligence in others. 

"INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves."- INTP Profile (TypeLogic)

"INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions."- Portrait of an INTP (The Personality Page)

And again, some of my role models are listed! Yayyy! Einstein, Darwin, Descartes, Pascal, Socrates.

If you're bored, or curious, I'd definitely say this is a psychology personality test worth doing. There are many versions of it online, so you can just google Myers Briggs Test. A bit of a warning, the quiz was frustrating for me because I was very often stuck between two options for which I couldn't choose one over the other. But I guess it's the final choice we make that shows which is most dominant in us... The quiz I took told me that I was predominantly INFP but INTP was a close overlap. And I think it's very very true. It sort of reflects in the fact that  math and sciences, and english and arts are all things I am strong in.

If you hadn't known much about me, then this might give you an insight on how I tick - and if you do the quiz then you might understand what makes you you as well. Who knows.

Yours truly,

The Dreamer Thinker!

TGIF

It is a beautiful day. Nothing extraordinarily special about it exactly, but certainly filled with moments that are extraordinary on a level of their own.

I'm a bit hesitant to express this glee for the fear that once I do, it will turn right around and turn into something else. That fear of "jinxing" oneself or things. And as the thought surfaces, I ask myself if this is something I have always done, or if it's a habit I've picked up from someone I know who always does.

For the fact that this habit exasperates me to no end, because I want to shake them and say "JUST BE HAPPY FOR THIS MOMENT!" - that's what I'm going to mentally do to myself right now.

Aaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiai. Ok OKKKKKK. I am happy!

The irony is, this is the same person who tells me, like a mantra, "One day at a time". By that credo, that should reflect back to not worrying about jinxing the next moment, right?

I guess we put my mantra in and their mantra in, shake it up for a good cocktail and.... be happy for this moment one day at a time. Cheers! Everything's gonna be okay!

Flashback

The past week, I haven't really been getting all that much proper sleep. Last night I went to bed with the intention of doing so, and yet again I found myself tossing and turning - and thinking. Inevitable, I guess.

Somehow I got around to thinking about the past, and eventually got around to that nostalgia that comes with it, and somehow came up with an idea: to dedicate 365 days to 365 people who have influenced or affected me and my life, and write about them.  I intend to do this, I am not sure when or how. I might start writing these up separately and privately, and work myself up to posting about them. It's a working idea in progress, so to speak.

While I was ruminating about the idea last night, my mind was flitting here and there and coming up with material and more ideas, such as who these 365 people would be. As I went through my high-school years, and then to university years, I came across a memory that I have neglected to realize thus far.

In particular, the question about how and when I started blogging. For some reason I had gone as far back as my old "Sapne" blog on Xanga, where, as I've previously explained, I started writing so as to "counsel" myself when I was in a state of despair. 

Last night, suddenly when my mind's eye fell on this one individual who was a very important best friend in university, a whole world of memories came flooding back, and that's when I suddenly realized, my history of blogging went much farther back than just the self-counsel beginning. And that's what I'm writing about today, as I intend to share the story behind my blogging.

Her name was Ash. And she had a tremendously big FAT crush on this fellow who she had never spoken to in her life. It was a case of Crush At First Sight. Everytime she saw him, she would hyperventilate. I kid you not. 

Of course this means I took every chance I could, to whisper, point, or nudge her urgently: "Look! Look, it's HIM!" Just to see her face freeze, turn red, and the hyperventilating begin. Only for me to laugh and she'd slap me with her notebook for fooling her. But the state she had fallen into was beyond common sense, for she would fall for this joke every time. That was the magic he had over her.

I couldn't understand what exactly it was about him that she was so crazy over. He was tall, which was a very big nod of approval from me, and he had a nice smile. He was a bit of the preppy, nice-boy, and innocent type, though, and maybe I'm just being snooty when I say he just was not my type. I have for the most part been holding out for that "prince of my dreams" type. Yup, me. Despite my 23409823094823 crushes. But see, the thing about my crushes were that they just dealt with the Having To Be Infatuated With Someone/Something at that age. I couldn't care less about actually being in a relationship with any of them. That's why I wasn't. But this dude, who she had a crush on, he just wasn't...intense enough for me. Or, he was just, too well put together, in a way that kind of bordered on effeminate or, dare I say, gay.

She hated me for daring to say it, I must confess. I could not help but pull her leg about him swinging the other side. However, this did nothing to abate her crush on him. In fact, it seemed to further instigate her to investigate or, as I put it, stalk him.

He had a friend. And this friend, my friend became friends with. You see where I'm going with this, don't you? My friend, now friends with his friend, then began to ask the friend things about her friend. Subtly, my friend assured me. Suuuure, I assured her back.

In the midst of a crowded break between classes, Ash came out with gleaming eyes. She got information! OMG OMG. She got information! She got....what information exactly? I queried. She got his BLOG address! 

What duh.

Did she get his full name? Er, no. Did she get his age? Er, no. Did she get a verification on his sexuality? NO. She got his blog. His WHAT? What the hell are you going to do with his blog? STARE at his writing? Stalk his blog? 

Yes, that is precisely what she did.

After days at the library watching her visit his blog and read whatever was there, and hyperventilate over his blog,  I decided, enough was enough. 

I visited his (very snoozeville) blog, and I, yes I the great and almighty P, I dropped him a comment on his blog. I put in all sorts of random phrases that would mean absolutely no sense to him, such as  references to red apples and goose, and grandmothers and grandfathers. Yes, I did. And as per my expectations, this elicited the biggest uproar on the part of my friend.

"YOU DID WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? OMG OMG OMG!" With glazed eyes and unruly hair, she stared at me like a madwoman, chest heaving, post-traumatic-hyperventilation attack.

I smirked at her, and wiggled my eyebrows. I asserted that he would have absolutely no idea what any of the  gibberish I even wrote down. For the record, the apple refers to the EVENT of her coming across him eating an....apple. Yes breaking news (facepalm.) The goose reference, to the event of her sitting inside the foyer and him passing on the other side of the glass wall and telling me to LOOOOOOOOK OMG OMG its HIM! and when I did look, there was only a goose wandering around idly. The Grandfather comment was referring to my observation that he was very boring and grandfatherly-looking with the way his glasses perched on the tip of his nose.

Oh, the good times. I can then tell you that because of this chain of events, the link to the world of blogs was established. I began to leave random comments on his blog just to get her to overreact, and somehow I actually became friend with the fellow. Somehow...oh yes, now I recall.

April1. April Fools Day. Apparently, Ash had dared me to talk to "my" crush. He wasn't much of a crush, but somehow she felt that I MUST have a crush because she SO had SUCH a big crush, that of course I MUST have one also. Of course. So I randomly pointed to this dude. I don't know why particularly, now that I think of it. 

I told her, if that was the extent of my dare, then she must also do the same. She froze, her eyes glazed over and she shook her head slowly. That meant no. I told her because if she doesn't, I will. That seemed to be all it took. 

The next day was D-Day. She came into our morning lecture, looked around for me in the big lecture hall, then stood in shock staring down at me. I was sitting beside my "crush" chatting happily. I looked up and waved at her smiling, and she shot daggers at me with her eyes. I smirked back.

Of course, she chickened out. She in no way possible, could get herself to walk in the direction of her crush, never mind even utter a syllable to him. So, the following day, while we were studying for our mid-term, she came across a section that she wasn't sure about, and asked me for clarification. I gave her my answer, but she didn't believe me. I sighed, "Ok, if you don't believe me, I'll ask someone else, follow me." 

She looks at me cautiously. "Um. Where are you going?" She had that vibe by now to know just when I had something up my sleeve. "Just come!" I pulled her hand and took her with me, to the study room beside us. As I walked in, she put on the brakes suddenly. And I had to let her hand go, and without a look back at her, I approached her crush and smiled my famous-friendly-smile and asked the group for their opinion about the question in particular. We all got along pretty well, for the few minutes we engaged in a conversation. I had to get him to notice her, so I gestured at my friend waiting nervously at the door, and told them how she thought this answer while I thought this, and so we had to find out what someone else said. They all smiled at her. She froze and glanced at me pleadingly.

So yes, that was the "somehow" part of how we all became friends. And for the years following, we all became a gang of a sort, we all sat together in lectures, taking up entire rows, and we all ate, studied and had  fun together. In secret, I taught him how to play her favourite "dream" song on the piano, and I had him surprise her by playing it, when she thought he couldn't play a thing at all. I had the camera ready to witness her hyperventilating with such a big smile while all our friends clapped and laughed. Good times, I tell you.

As to the blog, we never told him about how his blog was stalked, nor that those hilariously random comments were from me. But we did register ourselves on Xanga and made our own blogs, and we followed one another as we blogged.  My first blog was completely filled with these memories. Events of our days, hilarious comments back and forth, everything that made up what friendship was. 

She moved away, we all went our own ways. Words and memories, however remain.