Saturday, March 08, 2014

For Me

Sometimes I'm stuck in a rut, again suddenly confronted with this overwhelming sense of loneliness. And I end up thinking whether there is something lacking in me, that I keep feeling that I'm left behind, or lose the grip on a string that's just slipped out of my hands, or that maybe I just fall short. Sometimes I kind of feel maybe my problem is that I try too hard. I'm a people-pleaser, and of course that doesn't really work out too well when you're too much of one.

Then at the same time, I try to not be one, and I hold back. Or rather, I   hold back from stating things which are confrontational or overly sentimental, or way too personal. That's why I stopped writing the way I wish I could write. 

Today I got a huge, umm, not sure what to really call it - a wake up call? A shock it was certainly, because it hurt me immensely when I came across something that made me feel absolutely ridiculous. Not ridiculous only, because that sort of implies a self-consciousness grounded with ego. But further, a sense of betrayal. A sense of being taken for granted. Or of failure. 

I had a huge cry-out. And yeah I am actually admitting this here. I normally avoid opening up completely on this blog, and one of the things I had a good think about was this also; specifically, why I do this. Avoiding becoming too personal or vulnerable; opening up fully was something I had grown to avoid like the plague. Consequently, I ended up writing extremely vaguely, and furthermore, this resulted in loopy, wordy and vociferous posts that might have sounded profound and poignant, but must have definitely confused my reader.

But the point was that I wasn't supposed to be writing for anyone else, right? For myself? But that is something I lost in trying to balance the forces of expression and art. And I lost myself somewhere also.

So yeah, I had a huge cryfest. FYI: I have these often. I cry easily. I also laugh easily. I'm a softy, and this is something I try to guard like the crown jewels, because well, this was just another consequence of bad experiences. The more I opened up and showed how vulnerable I was, the quicker people were to lose interest and drop you like a hot potato - or, maybe worse: take you for granted.

Being taken for granted is something I have strugged with for...well pretty much my whole life. From being the eldest in a family with huge hardships, and having to take care of everyone - I lost the sense of being able to be me from a very young age. I couldn't be me, because I was busy being a mother/wife/sister/servant for everyone else. So I was molded into being a people-pleaser. This stuck with me in varying ways over the years. Trying to be this, or trying to be that. Working harder to do things to make someone else feel better or pleased. 

Anyways, all this is already making me cringe with how sentimental it all seems. I hate having to express myself or explain myself in the form of describing whatever experiences; as if in some way that's asking for pity. It isn't that I have ego or pride to not want people to pity me, I just don't want to use whatever experiences to gain it, when I feel that so many people out there have it way worse. I just gotta deal with it so I'm okay. 

But there was something else entirely that I had wanted to write about. Being taken for granted - I don't know. I already hesitate to label it as this, because I already know that the reaction of those who I would 'accuse' of doing this would be hurt. And there again, I don't want to hurt someone else, so I hold back from doing so. But isn't that already a symptom of the problem? I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I weren't the person I was really. I wish I wasn't so kid-at-heart ish. Because maybe my thoughts and words would be more meaningful. Or that I was more aloof and restrained with giving myself to others - maybe other people would want to try harder to please me. Maybe there is something afterall that rings true with this concept of playing hard to get

Much of this might be eye-opening to some of you - because I don't talk about most of this. My personal life story, the idea that I am a real kid (at heart), or how sensitive a person I am. Which is ironic in comparison to the previous paragraph, isn't it. 

Anyways. So post-cryfest, I decided to go slave in the kitchen (doing something I love, and also keeping me busy and productive) but of course, I had to think through everything. Who says I think too much? 

I had to first gauge if my reaction was overdone. It might have been, nevertheless, even if I cut away the extra-sensitivity, there were things which remained that still hurt. Then I considered, why must I keep trying to mould myself to meet another person's standards? And why was I putting everything of myself and my world centered around this one person? Was it reciprocated, equally? No. 

Then I figured, why was I doing all this, then? Just because love said that I shouldn't expect anything back? (And oh yes, this gets heavier, gee whiz, love.) I don't know. Something I considered long time back was that I put more into the pot so that it felt that there was enough in it to provide for the amount given by two people. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should stop.

Ah, I know - there is someone who's thinking I told you so. That's okay. You told because you cared. And I reciprocate your care by listening to you. So yup. I think I'm pretty much vented out.

 Today is (was?) International Women's Day, and the theme for me is loving myself. And I'm going to stop caring about whoever gives a damn about the things I give a damn about. It hurts but what can you do. Yesterday I was looking at this website for lyrics, looking at the lyrics of "Let It Go" from Disney's Frozen (because 1. I'm totally a Disney child and 2. I love the song, dammit)...and other than the aptness of the lyrics for my own state of mind, when I scrolled down to the meaning of the lyrics as interpreted by the commenters, I stumbled across a flame war by a bunch of 9 year olds. It was hilarious, in a way. In a sad, pathetic way, I grant you, but funny, because you just imagine these little imps tapping away into their keyboards with their tiny faces all scrunched up, and almost half of them can't spell, nevermind grammar, so they're arguing in between asking "wat dose unighted meen". But the gist of their argument was whether the song had anything to do with love at all or not, and one side was declaring that it was love for the self. So yeah. Let it go!

A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!

9 comments:

  1. i always feel like we spend all of our lives futilely chasing after fellow travellers who (we think) would appreciate everything we do (for them) and adore us for it .... time that would be much better spent empowering ourselves to be better versions of who we are .. and not just be a giver :)

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    1. Sometimes I get confused though, because the best version of who I am seems to be itself as a giver.

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  2. I've been thinking for so many hours..on what to reply :) ..partly because I could not reply at the spot when I had read this.

    The first thing I thought of was myself when I read it... I've been going through something very similar lately, but never really wanted to "bother" anyone with the thoughts. But I am really happy you wrote about it..for some reason it makes me feel relieved..as if I wrote the thoughts out of my mind by myself.

    I've really spent too much time chasing people, never to have any love reciprocated. Even when all that you do is for those people, they still take you for granted. It's made me want to run away from my house in the past (yeah maybe dramatic)

    But in the past few weeks, besides that little bump in the middle, I've just been letting go! I stopped chasing..and just going in the direction of choosing me. And I feel a lot better :) The loneliness is fading away too now!

    Anyways..this is not the direction I planned to go with this comment. I wanted to talk about you..but I guess with respect to the title..it became "for me"

    I just want to give you a hug! I guess we'll have to make due with a e-hug.. *hugs* if not anywhere else..always come to my door (literally too..)

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    1. :) I also have come and gone without really knowing what to write in response; it seems to already be understood, and yet, the care that comes with the comment cannot go unappreciated. I'm just tired of feeling like I can't just say what I want, tired of pulling into myself and keeping things to myself. But meh, it's all relative! Everything is good and if not, it will be!

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    2. Hugs.. and, door? I'll be creeping through your window, as the rules say that window is first option then the door! :P

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  3. When you say opening up, I was like 'Why couldn't you?' I mean you were writing in a pseudo name. I figured out later that it is not about the who one knows you with but rather speaking the things which one might not reveal to anyone except their personal diary.

    And yeah, why mold ourselves into what expect us to be. I have got this new attitude which though isn't good, but when people start judging me, I am going reply back in their face from now on, literally. I know that would make be a 'bad person'. But seriously what they think is none of my concern. Wait, what am I saying ?

    Just be yourself and do whatever you want to do. People expect you to please them but at what expense? Our dissatisfaction or probably we end up hating it even more. Because we were born to please to others. ( I know you already know all this stuff ! )

    'MusiXmatch' app easily finds lyrics for the songs while playing them on your mobile. I mean its easy. Plus it even highlights the line which the song plays. A good app. Just telling this to access the lyrics when you are on the go and need the lyrics, if need be.

    And yeah, like Wanderer said, joins the 'E-Hug' group. :P
    I offer a better offer, drop in your address, I will come to your door (literally, umm, I mean whenever if-ever I go across your place).

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    1. Haha, I have a reputation among my closest friends for being the meanest nicest girl. Because I can make fun of people in the same instance I'd do anything for em. But also, I used to follow a simple "I don't give a damn" credo, and sometimes I wonder what happened to it, when I find myself caring too much, but then again we care too much with those who likely deserve it. Or we should. For those who don't we don't need to question ourselves!

      And yo, dude! With the way I am with my privacy and comfort zone, you ought to know ME coming to you is the better offer in my opinion haha.

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  4. I could relate with you for most parts because I hold back a lot as I am a people-pleaser too. But I kinda have a threshold. If people cross that, I will give it back with no regards of holding back whatsoever. I am trying to fine tune this behavior of mine so that I don't hurt people who genuinely care for me.

    Letting go is one big challenge I am still trying to master. But being yourself letting go of expectations, inhibitions are worth the effort.

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    1. Yeah I would think we all have thresholds. And your MOD seem to be very much mine also!
      By the way, from your (tiny) display picture it seems that some congratulations are in order? :)

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